This might be a record – if we’re correct then next week’s Dancing On Ice semi-final will be the least talented on record.

That’s because last night Zoe Salmon was voted off. We can see why – Zoe’s routine to Run was preceded by a VT about what a deranged little madam she is, and it actually looked like she was crying through the performance – but this means that either Coleen Nolan or Donal McIntyre will definitely make the final now. How completely messed up.

Anyway, Zoe Salmon is out of Dancing On Ice, so here’s the rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Coleen Nolan – Here’s a tip: if you ever wanted to do well at Dancing On Ice, you should probably think about endorsing frozen £1 sausages for cash first. That’s literally the only reason we can think of as to why Coleen Nolan is still on Dancing On Ice. Her scores have been terrible for a month and her routines have been embarrassing slow motion panty affairs, and yet she hasn’t even been in a skate-off yet. It has to be because she’s the nice frozen sausage lady off the telly, or it could be that all Dancing On Ice viewers are idiots. We’ll accept either answer, really. This week on Dancing On Ice, Coleen fell over so hard that she busted her wrist enough for her to be hospitalised – and then went on to get her best score of the series for her routine to Diamonds Are Forever. So if a knackered wrist can help her get her best score, we reckon that if she shatters her shins with a mallet before next week’s show she’ll be up there with Ray Quinn. You can do it, Coleen! We believe in you! Dancing On Ice score – 18.5

Tomorrow - Jessica Taylor‘s Dancing On Ice rundown.

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