Ready for some more Dancing On Ice action? Don’t answer that, we know you’re not. We were being rhetorical.

Anyway, now that Dancing On Ice has been going for a few weeks, we’re starting to see the required elements get harder and harder. On Sunday’s show, for example, the required element involved spinning around a for bit. We don’t know about you, but it’s death-defying stunts like that that make us proud to be British.

Here are the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

Zoe Salmon - It says a lot about this year’s Dancing On Ice that Zoe Salmon is one of the frontrunners to win because, well, because she’s rubbish at it, isn’t she? All tears and nerves and wobbles and unconvincing smiles, Zoe Salmon looks like she’s having a hideous time on the show, and yet people still think she’s in with a shot of winning. What’s going on? Especially after Sunday’s dance to I Think We’re Alone Now – true, she’d injured herself slightly in training, but that was no excuse for the unconvincing way she carried herself throughout the performance. To tell you the truth we weren’t even paying attention to the routine, because we were too busy being struck by Zoe’s close resemblance to one of those American toddlers who get entered into beauty contests before they can talk properly, and it sort of freaked us out. Dancing On Ice score – 22

Jessica Taylor – Second favourite to win Dancing On Ice? Does this officially make Jessica Taylor the talented one from Liberty X now? It might do – we’re pretty sure that one of the boys served us in a petrol station the other week, and the black girl hasn’t really done a lot with her time since the group split up. And Michelle Heaton definitely can’t be the talented one, because we’ve done farts with more basic ability than her. So, wow, maybe Jessica Taylor really is the talented one from Liberty X. What a terrifying thought. This week, Jessica skated to Venus, which she did by strapping an odd pair of hairy horns to her head and pulling a scary face. We don’t know what caused this sudden change in attitude, but we’re fairly certain it was either painkillers or a fake tan overdose. Dancing On Ice score – 23.5

Tomorrow: Ray sodding Quinn. Whoopy doo.

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