Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor
Does anyone else get the feeling that Dancing On Ice isn’t really trying any more?
We’re just asking because the required element on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was just rubbish. They had to skate on one leg, bend down, spin around and then stop. Hey, Dancing On Ice, that’s not what we want from our required elements. We want the required element to be a lion, on skates, chasing Ray Quinn around. Got that?
Here’s the Dancing On Ice review for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…
Zoe Salmon – Statistically, Zoe Salmon is on to finish Dancing On Ice in third place. It might not be what she wants, but it’s incredibly fitting. She’s spent her whole life being overshadowed, either by Konnie Huq or that naked woman off Big Brother or all those people who beat her on Fame Academy, and it’s only right that the same thing should happen again on Dancing On Ice. Still, at least Zoe’s still on to beat Donal MacIntyre. That’s something. Something rubbish, obviously, but still something. But at least Zoe’s got her emotions in check – this week her tears were replaced by a horrible horrible confidence. And it resulted in a weird routine to Mamma Mia, which told the story of a woman who was angry with her boyfriend, then her boyfriend chucked her around a bit, then she cheered up. Not a clue. Dancing On Ice score – 23.5
Jessica Taylor – Even though she’s one of the most talented skaters, we’ve spent the last three weeks wishing that Jessica Taylor would be voted off Dancing On Ice. Why? It’s obvious – because we ran out of things to say about her ages ago. Seriously, once you’ve mentioned Liberty X, her crushing lack of personality and the fact that she’s quite skinny, there’s absolutely nothing left to say about the woman. We’re stumped. Can’t she shatter her shin or something? We’d be alright with that, really. Sort of. This week, Jessica danced to Unbreak My Heart in a routine that was nice, but a little bit boring. If that’s not the perfect description of Jessica herself, then we don’t know what is. Dancing On Ice score – 24.5
Tomorrow: Yeah yeah, bloody Ray Quinn. We know.
And I quote, “….there’s absolutely nothing left to say about the woman. We’re stumped.”
We’re stumped!! Hecklerspray, you disappoint me. You didn’t even notice an obvious pun there, considering who her husband is
God, you’re right. Let it be known that however disappointed you are in me, it won’t even come close to how disappointed I am in myself.
Stumped. Gah.
To be fair, I don’t think sport exists in HecklerLand. I mostly come here to ‘broaden my interests’.
(don’t really know what those inverted commas are supposed to signify. it’s not some kind of deviant euphemism, honest)