So this is it, our last Dancing On Ice dispatch of the year. We won’t pretend that it’s been fun. Or good. Or worthwhile.

But over the months we’ve seen all kinds of Dancing On Ice-related excitement take place. Todd Carty almost falling over, um… no, actually Todd Carty was the only piece of Dancing On Ice-related excitement to happen this year. But who’ll win? That’s down to you. Well, not you. The people who vote on shows like Dancing On Ice. You know, the illiterates.

Anyway, here’s our final look at the inevitable Dancing On Ice winner, Ray Quinn…

Ray Quinn – Thank God the Dancing On Ice final is almost here. It means we can get all this nonsense over and done with now. Yes, Ray Quinn is going to win, just like he’s been going to do from the first second of his first performance all those months ago. Or will he? Donal MacIntyre hasn’t been tested by a skate-off either, so for all we know he could be the public favourite instead. It’d be just like the X Factor final all over again, wouldn’t it, except with a creepy old man beating him into first place instead of a world-class vocalist.

Oh, who are we kidding, Ray Quinn’s going to win Dancing On Ice. And it’s going to make him unbearable. Not as unbearable as he was on Sunday, mind you – ahead of his routine to some old shit that sounded like it had been taped from inside a ropey tapas bar, Ray Quinn needed to learn passion. And for that he basically got taught how to pull a facial expression that made him look like a rapist. As for the routine itself? Yeah yeah, well done, you’re so good at ice skating. Now go away. Dancing On Ice score – 28

Next week: EUROVISION!

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