Dancing On Ice: Will Michael Underwood Sob To Victory?
It’s day three of our epic, nearly three-month look at this year’s Dancing On Ice, and we’re already bored with it. Anyone want to swap jobs?
No, we’ll make it. We’ll be fine. We just need to wait for the patented Dancing On Ice theme nights to kick in and we’ll be OK. We’re excited to see which themes Dancing On Ice picks – personally we’ve got our fingers crossed for a Prog Rock Night and an Everybody Skates While Crippled With Polio Night. Exciting!
Anyway, on with the Dancing On Ice rundown – today, Michael Underwood, Roxanne Pallett and Ellery Hanley…
Michael Underwood – Michael Underwood is very much a Dancing On Ice veteran. This time last year, Michael was a Dancing On Ice contestant, but his journey came to an end when he fell over, buggered up his ankle and basically cried like a girl for eight straight months. But now Michael Underwood is back, and more determined to win than ever. Which would be admirable, were it not for the fact that he’s monumentally terrible at ice skating. But during Sunday’s Dancing on Ice, Michael Underwood gave us the shock of our lives – apparently he’s got a girlfriend. A presumably female one, too. Because of this massive shock we forgot to take any notes about his performance to Fascination. Sorry. Dancing On Ice score – 17
Roxanne Pallett – Roxanne Pallett is an actress from a TV show called Emmerdale, a soap opera comprised of 23 parts mindless tedium to one part fiery death explosion. And we have a feeling that Roxanne Pallett will do very well at Dancing On Ice, too. Not because she can skate well, mind you, but because she’s quite pretty. And sometimes that’s all people want on a Sunday teatime. That and horrific bloodshed, which Roxanne was almost kind enough to give us during her routine to Genie In A Bottle on Sunday – one of her lifts repeatedly ended up with her ice blade hovering about a millimetre away from her partner’s eye in training. But on the actual show she managed to avoid causing gigantic, permanent injury to another human being, and we’re sure that affected her score quite negatively in the end. Dancing On Ice score – 18
Ellery Hanley – Despite what you may have heard, Ellery Hanley isn’t actually a person. Ellery Hanley is, in fact, the title of a long-lost song from the Mary Poppins soundtrack performed by Dick Van Dyke and a band of dirty-faced cockerny chimneysweeps. That’s a stone-cold fact, unless Ellery Hanley used to be a rugby player. Which he may well have been. We just don’t know. What we do know, though, is that Ellery is one of those annoying people who are good at everything they try. Everything, it seems, except for basic motor skills – during his performance to Five Years’ Time, Ellery constantly lurched about like a drunken toddler. Yes, we know what a drunken toddler looks like. Don’t judge us. Dancing On Ice score – 16
Tomorrow: Zoe Salmon, Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn.
