Time for another Dancing On Ice rundown. You can thank us however you want, although we do prefer cash.

But first – the Dancing On Ice judges. Has anyone else noticed that Ruthie Henshall seems to be gunning for Skeletor Judge’s crown as most deliberately nasty judge? Time after time she’s given the lowest marks of any of the Dancing On Ice judges. Thank heavens that Ben From Lost Judge is still there to balance it all out. Phew.

Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Zoe Salmon, Roxanne Pallett and Todd Carty…

Zoe Salmon – Interesting how Zoe Salmon is always introduced on Dancing On Ice as ‘Blue Peter Daredevil’, isn’t it? Because judging by her Dancing On Ice performances so far, Zoe Salmon isn’t a daredevil. Peter Duncan was a daredevil. Zoe Salmon can’t even fall over without bursting into tears. The problem’s so bad that, last week, Zoe Salmon went to a hypnotist to aid her self-confidence. It might have worked – her routine to Hot And Cold was much better than she’s ever been – but afterwards she was a babbling giggling mess. Are we the only ones who think that her relaxation technique might involve four bottles of brandy and a Cheeky Vimto? We are? Dancing On Ice score – 20

Roxanne Pallett – You know who we feel sorry for? Newspaper editors. They were all set for three months of printing scantily-clad pictures of Gemma Bissex and Roxanne Pallet due to their participation in Dancing On Ice, and it turns out both of them are rubbish at iceskating. Bissex is long gone, and we can’t imagine that Pallett will get much further in the competition, frankly. On Sunday, her routine to Sweet About Me looked decent enough, until you realised that she only had her skates on the ice for about eight seconds of it. These soap babes, huh? Rubbish. Dancing On Ice score – 7

Todd Carty – Listen, let’s just leave this Dancing On Ice nonsense alone, OK? Todd Carty absolutely doesn’t deserve to win the show. But he does deserve to be made King Of England and ride around on a jet-powered ruby horse that shits platinum. That’s how much we love Todd Carty. Which is just as well because, on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice, Todd Carty out-weirded everything he’s ever done in his entire life. His routine included a bizarre ratty paedo-creep, endless puffing and panting and a move that involved him flapping about on his back like he was having a heart attack. So yes, if Todd Carty won Dancing on Ice it’d be a massive miscarriage – but, hey, rather him than Ray Quinn, right? Dancing On Ice score – 7.5

Tomorrow: Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn.

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