We don’t know about you, but we were shocked on Sunday. Shocked.

The Dancing On Ice theme nights that we’ve been enjoying so much weren’t there at all on Sunday. Instead we had to make do with a choreographed interpretation of a Will Young song. Will Young, for crying out loud. The only choreographed interpretation we’ve ever done to a Will Young song has involved slowly drifting off to sleep at the wheel of a car. Disappointing.

Here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Roxanne Pallet and Donal MacIntyre…

Roxanne Pallet – Roxanne Pallet, you’ve been a profound disappointment to us. Not just because you’re not nearly as good at ice skating as everyone thought you’d be, but because all the newspapers said you were sexy. You’re not sexy, Roxanne Pallet – you look like an obnoxiously overconfident 13-year-old. And you haven’t even managed to slash anyone’s throat with your blade yet. Rubbish. No wonder your hopes of winning Dancing On Ice are getting thinner by the minute. Still, for Roxanne’s routine to I Wanna Be Loved By You, she decided to have another go at the Headbanger, since she arsed it up so much a fortnight ago. The good news? She managed it. The bad news? Her entire contribution to the move involved laying still, and even that looked like it sapped her brainpower completely. Dancing On Ice score – 19

Donal MacIntyre – What the chub is going on here? No, seriously, we mean it. Donal MacIntyre isn’t the least favourite to win Dancing On Ice any more. We don’t understand – he doesn’t seem to be an especially likeable human being, his skating’s not up to much and he only ever bangs on about having guns pulled on him all the time. We get the feeling that Donal’s moving up the Dancing On Ice rankings because he’s responding to constructive criticism and improving week on week, but that hardly counts – he’s only improving in the sense that he used to skate like a blind one-legged donkey and now he skates like a partially-sighted one-legged donkey. For Sunday’s routine, Donal had to perform a routine to Everybody Hurts, which is difficult for him because he is a MAN’S MAN and never displays emotion. So what is Donal MacIntyre like when he has to express emotion? Boring and fairly clumsy, as it happens. Dancing On Ice score – 17

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor.

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