Another week, another loosely adhered to theme for Dancing on Ice. This week the theme was ?Pop?, although really it should?ve been ?Katarina Disagrees?. But that wouldn't have fitted in so well with One Direction?s appearance, so pop it was.
Some teenage boys with suits and sideways hair weren't going to stop Katarina, though. She has monumental cleavage AND Olympic medals. Nothing?s getting in her way.
Not even fellow Olympian Chemmy Alcott, who Katarina infamously called ?big? a few weeks back, before begging her not to ever do any lifts ever again. Chemmy wasn?t having any of it though, and decided to do a handstand on her partner?s leg. Queen Katarina tried to pretend that she only wanted to keep Chemmy safe for the next Olympics. Nobody believed her.
Unlike Rosemary, who everyone believes all the time, bcause she's lovely. Which is why the evil overlords of ITV decided that she had to be tipped upside down and spun round in circles until she was nearly sick all over the ice. Katarina loved it and gave her a seven. Everyone else was deeply, deeply indifferent.
As they were when Jennifer Ellison took to the ice. According to her VT, she needed to ?go for it?, which is becoming such a recurring theme that we expect it will soon be given its own show. What Jennifer went for this week was some seriously unfortunate hair, supposedly because she was skating to ?Vogue?. Really, we think the stylist just hates her.
Still, at least Jennifer can take comfort in the fact that the stylist hates Sam more. He was given a very, very dodgy blonde wig and made to skate to Wham. Which was presumably punishment for dropping his partner repeatedly in practice. Or for forcing everyone to see him in bed, as he did at start of his routine. It's one or the other.
Despite his best efforts to traumatise the entire country, Sam still lost out on his attempt to become ?Most Disturbing Person on Dacing on Ice?. Because Chico and Heidi were there.
Heidi skated to the caterwauling wreck that is Jessie J, and decided to pay homage through her wardrobe. Which was a catsuit. With spangles. On the vadge. Again.
Chico said the word ?fluidity? and then donned a skin-tight silver t-shirt, leaving the entire country feeling more queasy than Rosemary after her upside-down-vom-spin. Robin told Chico to ?keep something for himself?. We assume he meant the t-shirt. Please, please, make Chico keep that t-shirt for himself.
Whilst the midfield were battling their wardrobes, Jorgi and Matt were continuing their ice dance war. Except that it was a bit one-sided this week, because while Jorgi was skating around in a paedophile?s dream of a school uniform and getting top scores, Matt had ruined his back a bit.
Not really ruined, you understand. Just ruined enough to make him miss two days of training and struggle a bit with the sexual assault that is the sit lift. Robin and Louie thought he pulled it off. Katarina, shockingly, disagreed. She gave him 6.5 and a shake of her shoulder pads.
And then she ruined all of her credibility.
It all started when Andy came out and did a weird stomping dance to the Proclaimers. We were expecting Katarina and her bosom to point out that it was an awkward crock of dung, but instead she tried to tell everyone that it was entertaining. The lying bitch.
And she didn't even try and stop Robin and Louie from throwing endless clich?s at Sebastian. Apparently, he is on a journey, and has a lot to offer, and various other inane and predictable things. We were mostly just annoyed with him for trying a strange new jump and not falling over.
Also trying very, very hard not to fall over was Charlene, who was given a fast routine and a Lady Gaga outfit, which she then used to terrify everyone. It turns out that Charlene can do the splits. So she did. In the air. With her ladybits pointing at the camera. It was part of her attempt to ditch her status as the ?skate-off queen? and get straight through to next week.
It didn't work. ?At all. Not even a little bit. Because she didn't just end up in the skate off with Sam, she got booted off the show. So now we know; when middle-aged women flash their lycra-clad bits at you, bad things happen.
Now can someone please tell Madonna?