Honestly. Reality shows. You can spend weeks and weeks suffering through manipulated drama and hoping for something exciting to happen, and then everything happens at once. And on Valentine?s Week, of all the weeks.
It was meant to be romantic and charming, but no. This week Dancing on Ice was out to just disturb and horrify everyone who watched it. It even featured a bleeding celebrity and a panicked Philip Schofield.
But before we get to that, we need to talk about old BigFace Sugababe Heidi, and how she made us glad that her miserable little pop band exists. Which was a terrifying experience in itself.
Heidi, you see, decided to do what we?d all being hoping for all along and completely cock it up. The VT led us to believe that it was going to be the sitlift ? aka ?The Sexual Molester? ? that would be her quite literal downfall, but the VT lied. It was the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other that outfoxed ol?BigFace and sent her arse over tit. Annoyingly her partner decided to pick her up, but still. It was good.
Still, Jennifer Ellison wasn?t going to let Heidi have all the dubious glory and decided to not only steal her signature spangle-vadge look, but also to injure herself spectacularly.
By kicking herself in the head.
Yes, it turns out that Ms Ellison is so flexible that she managed to cut her own head open with her skate blade. And so we were treated to the sight of Philip Schofield looking helplessly on whilst Jennifer?s skating partner Daniel stared at his blood-covered hands in the manner of Lady Macbeth and tried to pretend everything was OK. Which it was in the end. So it's OK for us to mock.
Once Daniel had finished muttering ?out, damned spot?, it was Chico?s turn to try really hard to cause serious injury on television. He had a ballet lift, which involved lifting his partner right up above his head. Which apparently could?ve gone horribly wrong, had Chico not let us all down by executing it perfectly.
Meanwhile, Jorgie Porter was skating to the ominously titled ?Falling?, which we hoped was a premonition of what was going to happen later in her routine. Unfortunately, we?d forgotten that she's really, really stupidly good, so not only did she not stack it, she got the highest score of the series so far. Which was disappointing.
Sam or Mark found time in his busy schedule (yes, we were surprised as well) to practice a routine that involved throwing his partner across the ice. Apparently it was something he'd always wanted to do, but he was annoyingly controlled when he did it. So much so that she actually landed on her feet.
Not even the slightly psychotic Sebastian could top Jennifer?s head-wound drama, although he gave it a damn good try. He decided that he wanted to try something called a ?Russian Split Lift? which is neither a dessert nor a torture method. It's actually just leaping into the splits, which apparently can cause you to break your ankle if you cock it up.
Sebastian didn't cock it up.
Elsewhere, the dubious Valentines theme caused low-level celebrities to try and be sexy, which was more disturbing than all the danger and blood put together. Andy tried to look like a lothario, but only succeded in looking like a child trying to seduce his babysitter. Chemmy did the most terrifyingly predatory impression of ?sexiness? that we've ever seen. And Matt skated to Valentine?s favourite Michael Buble and was entirely forgettable.
And then there as Rosemary. Lovely, sweet Rosemary. Apparently the producers of Dancing on Ice are determined to break her spirit and possibly also her hip, so they made her go to the ice hockey. In Slough. Because they have no hearts.
Luckily for Rosemary though, her spirit proved to be unbreakable. Even after she ended up in the skate off with Chemmy and got booted off the show, she was still all grace and dignity. It was a little bit disgusting to watch.
So next week without a nice old lady to torture the producers have decided to turn their hatred on all of the celebrities all at once. Apparently they're going to be subjected to something called the ?Ultimate Skills Test?. We have no idea what that means, but what we do know is that two of them will be booted off after it.
And that Jennifer Ellison probably won't be doing any more high-kicks.