It’s the fourth and final day of this week’s hecklerspray Dancing On Ice rundown, so you’ve got a few days off before it all starts again.
So what are we most looking forward to on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice? Well, Todd Carty, obviously. And that’s about it. Oh, and the empty sensation that we’re wasting our lives. Those two things. Mainly the second one, now we come to think of it.
Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon, Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…
Zoe Salmon – We have every reason to hate Zoe Salmon. Why? Because she's younger than us, prettier than us, richer than us and vastly more talented than us? Yes, but also because she's part of a vast conspiracy among former Blue Peter presenters to keep Konnie Huq off our screens. Seriously, Dancing On Ice hired Zoe Salmon over Huq this year, and it even hired Sarah Greene over her last year. Sarah Greene! We hate you, Zoe Salmon. And so does the law of gravity, if Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was anything to go by. Dancing to Rise, Zoe’s routine was unremarkable, except for one comedy stumble – a classic, cartoony, windmilling-arms comedy stumble. It was rubbish. But that’s what you deserve for keeping Huq off our screens, Salmon. Dancing On Ice score – 16.5
Jessica Taylor – Jessica Taylor used to be in Liberty X, the band famous for creating Michelle Heaton – the relentlessly sobbing tosspot from Celebrity Big Brother this year. However, don't expect so many histrionics from Jessica Taylor on Dancing On Ice this year. That's not because she's a nicer person than Michelle Heaton, you understand. It's because she was born without a personality. For example, on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice, Jessica danced to Heaven – her wedding song – with all the emotion of a brusque hooker with one eye on the clock. It wasn’t all bad, though – her partner did haul her around the ice rink quite well – but that’s about it. Dancing On Ice score – 20.5
Ray Quinn – Damn you Ray Quinn, we thought we killed you in 2006 when you didn't win X Factor. But, no, you're back again now and you're sickeningly good at Dancing On Ice as well. Well you might be a good ice skater Ray Quinn, and you may now have such absurdly large arms that you look like you could easily beat us in a fight, but you still look like a clean-shaven ventriloquist?s dummy of Adolf Hitler that's come to life to punish the world for its sins, so we're still the winners. After Sunday’s Dancing On Ice routine to You Make It Real, Ray Quinn was lauded as the best skater the show had ever seen, which frankly just makes us dislike him more if we’re honest. Still, if Ray’s over-exuberance continues then there’s a good chance he’ll be hauled away on a manslaughter charge after chopping his partner’s skull in half with his boot-blade before long. So, you know, fingers crossed. Dancing On Ice score – 25
Next week: more of this. So very much more of this.
