We recently had something of an epiphany about Dancing On Ice - without question, it has the stupidest viewers on TV.

It must have – just look at how the skate-offs are turning out. For two weeks in a row now, the Dancing On Ice viewers have tried to vote off the second-best skater. This is clearly wrong – any fool knows that the viewers should be voting off the least-talented performers. Or Ray Quinn. We wouldn’t mind if they voted off Ray Quinn.

Speaking of the devil, here’s Ray Quinn’s Dancing On Ice rundown…

Ray Quinn – Oh, look, everyone knows that Ray Quinn is going to win Dancing On Ice, and they’ve known it since his first routine all those weeks ago. The judges say that Ray Quinn is their best contestant ever, Christopher Dean appears to consider him good enough to become professional and the viewers haven’t realised that he’s essentially a Scouse Chucky doll with knives on his feet yet. The only way that Ray Quinn couldn’t win Dancing On Ice at this point is if he pooed a White Rule slogan on the ice while he was dancing. And, admit it, even that’d be a little bit impressive. Being asked to hold a hat and ice skate at the same time, however, was the opposite of impressive for Ray on Sunday. His routine to Since I Met Miss Jones was full of mistakes – he stumbled, he dropped the hat, he couldn’t put it on properly, he actually put it on back to front - and yet he still got the highest score of the week. He looked like he was going to cry afterwards, too, the massive girl. Dancing On Ice score – 26

Next week: Even! More! Dancing On Ice!

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