By ‘best’ we obviously mean ‘most likely to win’. Because, let’s be fair, they’re hardly the best examples of people, are they? A woodstained monosyllabic northerner and a boy that looks like a character from a wartime propaganda cartoon? Oh, do come on.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…
Jessica Taylor – The swell of public support behind Todd Carty has raised the question of whether Dancing On Ice is a talent show or a popularity contest. But let's be straight – it's definitely a talent show. Because, in all seriousness, Jessica Taylor stands a better chance of winning Dancing On Ice than Todd Carty, and she's thoroughly unlikeable. To be fair, though, Jessica seems to know this, which explains her weird rictus grin during her performance to Groove Is In The Heart. The routine addressed one the main issue with Jessica Taylor?s dancing – that she's an emotionless shrew – but only because the sole emotion that she had to convey was ?gonkish bimbo?. And she nailed it. Maybe she copied it off Michelle Heaton. Dancing On Ice score – 21.5
Ray Quinn – Ray Quinn?s an arsehole, isn't he? It's not just envy on our part, is it? He really is an arsehole, isn't he? He has to be so bloody good at everything he tries. What a bastard. So, with that in mind, we were over the moon on Sunday when we realised the following a) Ray fell over during dress rehearsal, b) Ray almost fell over again during the actual performance and c) RAY QUINN WEARS A HAIRBAND! LIKE A GIRL! We've never been so happy. Dancing On Ice score – 24
Next week – MORE!