Before we start looking at today’s Dancing On Ice contestants, we really should applaud Torvill and Dean.

Usually Torvill and Dean’s Dancing On Ice openings are flaccid displays of ego that just hold everything up and make the show five minutes longer than it needs to be. But not on Sunday – on Sunday their routine legitimately defied description. It was a sort of arctic gay-off that culminated in an actual rainstorm. Sadly Christopher Dean wasn’t struck by lightning at the end but, hey, maybe next time.

Anyway, on to the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Jessica Taylor and Zoe Salmon…

Jessica Taylor - If you had any money on Jessica Taylor winning Dancing On Ice, you should probably start crying now. Despite being one of the best dancers on the show, last week saw Jessica Taylor forced to compete in the skate-off. And it’s obvious why – although she’s graceful and poised on the ice, the moment she has to do anything that involves talking, thinking or displaying any trace of character whatsoever, it becomes massively clear that there’s not a lot going on upstairs. And, while Dancing On Ice is a show about technical achievement, you’re screwed if nobody likes you. And, let’s be honest, nobody does like Jessica Taylor, do they? On Sunday, Jessica Taylor danced with an umbrella to Umbrella, which was a genius musical choice. Upcoming bands – write a song called Spangly Broomstick, and you’ll almost definitely get it used on Dancing On Ice.  Jessica’s routine continued her nice-but-dull pattern, but it’s good to see her try to correct this by pulling actual facial expressions now and again. True, they all make her look like an angry tiger, but give the girl a chance. She’s new to this. Dancing On Ice score – 23.5

Zoe Salmon – Well look at this. It says here that Zoe Salmon is now the second favourite to win Dancing On Ice thanks to Jessica Taylor being in the skate-off last week. This is great news for Zoe – her chances of winning Dancing On Ice have just shot up from zero to, well, zero, and all for the simple fact that she isn’t Ray Quinn. Not even the routine that Zoe Salmon managed on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice – a fast, dazzling, almost epileptic performance with a baton to The Boy Does Nothing – will help her win the show. But did Ray Quinn go to majorette school to learn how to twirl a baton to the level of a podgy toddler? No. No he didn’t. And Zoe Salmon will always have that. Dancing On Ice score – 25.5

Tomorrow: Ray Monkeyloving Quinn.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!