Dancing On Ice: Coleen Nolan & Zoe Salmon
Oh, the Dancing On Ice midweek lull. How we hate you.
Last week’s show is now fading from memory, and we still have over half a week before the next one begins. What will it bring? Who’ll skate well? Who’ll skate badly? What desperately pre-rehearsed facial expression will Skeletor Judge pull when everyone boos his name? How many times will Holly Willoughby say ‘thank you’ to the judges within the space of one sentence? More than five? We just can’t wait to find out.
In the meantime, though, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan and Zoe Salmon…
Coleen Nolan - Right. We’ve decided that enough’s enough. Just because Coleen Nolan grins through all her Dancing On Ice routines like the happiest woman in the world, it doesn’t mean we like her. We’re hecklerspray, damnit, and we won’t be tricked by something as cheap as genuine joie de vivre. Smiling just isn’t going to cut it, anymore. Coleen Nolan is going to have to do something spectacular to win our favour from now on, like wink directly at the camera or blow us a kiss or something. Oh Jesus, why is this happening to us?
Zoe Salmon – The most entertaining thing about Zoe Salmon, aside from the way her last name is a type of fish – which is HILARIOUS – is her determination not to keep bursting into tears every time she falls over. She’s already tried hypnosis, with varying degrees of success, and we’re eagerly looking forward to seeing what she tries next. Fingers crossed it involves a hot glue gun and her own tear ducts. Why are we banging on about this instead of Zoe Salmon’s skating? Because if it was any less memorable it’d be made of dust, that’s why. Duh.
Tomorrow: Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn.
