Do you like Dancing On Ice? You’d better, because it’s pretty much all we’re going to write about for the next three months.

New to Dancing On Ice? Then let us explain it – it’s just like Strictly Come Dancing, except it’s on ice. And there are about 10,000 judges, who all seem to want to be the mean one. And it goes on for two hours. And in those two hours you’ll visibly age by at least four decades. We love Dancing On Ice.

But who’s going to win? Here’s our Dancing On Ice look at Todd Carty and Colleen Nolan…

Todd Carty – If Dancing On Ice was a talent show, Todd Carty would have been out in episode one. Sadly though, Todd also seems to be Quite A Nice Man, and that means that the public will cling onto him until either a) the judges all throw a Strictly Come Dancing-style tantrum about him still being in the competition, or b) he falls over in training, breaks every bone in his body and slashes his jugular with his skates in the process. It’ll probably be the second one, in retrospect, and it’ll probably happen within the next day or so. Let’s hope it doesn’t, though, because Todd Carty’s routine to Help this week was the most entertaining of the show. True, that’s because Todd clattered around so furiously that at one point he literally flew offstage with such a lack of grace that the commentator couldn’t even speak for laughing afterwards. More like this, please. Dancing On Ice score – 9.5

Coleen Nolan – The elderly and unemployed among you will recognise Colleen Nolan as the shrillest member of the Loose Women panel, a fag-stinking mouthy spiritual Scouser who used to be married to Shane Ritchie until they both presumably realised how awful the other one was. But how does Colleen Nolan do at Dancing On Ice? Surprisingly not terrible, as it happens – on Sunday Colleen danced to Islands In The Stream and looked absolutely thrilled to be doing so. In fact, we’d even go as far as to say that Colleen’s enthusiasm for dancing has made her one of our favourites. Still, she was dressed as vomit on Sunday, though, so at least that’s something to dislike about her. Phew. Dancing On Ice score – 17

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice looks at Roxanne Pallett, Michael Underwood and Ellery Hanley.

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