This week reality TV nosedived to the point where an entire subcontinent grouped together to build a giant wicker Jade Goody in order to destroy it with their fists and teeth – but just where the hell did all the fun, lighthearted reality TV shows go?

Tomorrow sees the start of Dancing On Ice on ITV. OK, so Dancing On Ice might not be especially fun or lighthearted – or good, come to think of it – but because Dancing On Ice doesn't feature a loudmouthed pikey relentlessly screaming racial slurs at a crying Indian, we're sort of looking forward to it. Dancing On Ice, for those who didn't see it last year, is a bit like Strictly Come Dancing – except thanks to the hard ice and razor-sharp metal, there's a far greater chance that a contestant will slice an artery. Hooray!

Unless Dancing On Ice becomes so crushingly awful that we can't bear to watch it, we'll be offering Dancing On Ice betting odds throughout the series. But who's even in Dancing On Ice this year, and are they likely to win?

Here come the pre-series Dancing On Ice betting odds to win, with help from Paddy Power…

Phil Gayle - Phil Gayle? Who He? Phil Gayle used to be the newsreader on The Big Breakfast, and now he apparently works for ITV. We vaguely remember who Phil is – and he didn't look especially like an Ice Skating Superstar back then – which is probably why he's the least favourite to win Dancing on Ice. Oh, and Phil Gayle's brother writes books. We read one of them once. It was rubbish. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 14/1

Neil Fox - Neil Fox? Who He? You'll know Neil Fox better as Dr Fox; the smuggest, most irritating jumped-up local radio DJ ever known to man. Neil Fox gets upset if you call him Dr Fox these days because it's obviously a very stupid name, something he clearly didn't notice throughout the first 18 years of his rubbish, motorbike-riding, constant midlife crisis DJ career. We don't know if Neil Fox will win or lose Dancing On Ice, but we hope he loses because he annoys us beyond belief. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1

Kay Burley – Kay Burley? Who She? Kay Burley is just about the only newsreader ever to overstate the events of September 11 2001 when she told viewers "If you're just joining us, the entire eastern seaboard of the United States has been decimated by a terrorist attack." Luckily you probably didn't see her say that because she's a newsreader on Sky News, which nobody watches. As for whether or not Kay Burley will win Dancing On Ice is another matter – maybe she'll destroy the opposition with her incredible gift for hyperbole. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1

Kyran Bracken – Kyran Bracken? Who He? Uh-oh. You know what happens when a professional sportsman goes on a reality TV show, don't you? They bloody well kick arse, that's what. Darren Gough on Strictly Come Dancing. Mark Ramprakash on, er, Strictly Come Dancing. Sportsmen naturally excel at this sort of thing. Unless they're David Seaman on last year's Dancing On Ice, who almost killed approximately 19 of his skating partners. Kyran Bracken is a rugby player. What does this mean? We don't know. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1

Ulrika Jonsson – Ulrika Jonsson? Who She? She shagged Hunter from Gladiators before she left him. She shagged Stan Collymore before he beat her up. She shagged some posh army bloke before she left him. She shagged John Leslie and didn't name him as a date rapist in her book. She shagged Sven Goran Eriksson before he wouldn't his girlfriend for her. If we were Dr Fox we'd be terrified. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 9/1

Emily Symons – Emily Symons? Who She? You know Emmerdale? You know that big-faced Australian girl in it? The one that used to be on Home And Away? That's Emily Symons, and we don't know who she is either. But Emily Symons will be on Dancing On Ice this year, and she's going to be better than the newsreader from The Big Breakfast. We're told. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 8/1

Lee Sharpe – Lee Sharpe? Who He? Lee Sharpe's career has two distinct stages. First there was Lee's footballing career, which saw him play for some of the best clubs in the Premiership as well as the national side. Then there was Lee's post-footballing career, which mostly consisted of being filthy with Abi Titmuss and making Jayne Middlemiss cry a lot. Now comes Dancing On Ice, and Lee will quickly discover that he'll need more than his flappy hair and wolf-teeth to get by. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Clare Buckfield - Clare Buckfield? Who She? Clare Buckfield comes to Dancing On Ice as part former childstar and part girlfriend of someone much more famous than her. Claire was the little girl on forgotten 1990s BBC sitcom 2point4 Children, and she used to go out with one of Ant & Dec. Even Clare's sister is more famous than her – and she was only in Hollyoaks for two years a decade ago. However, thanks to her being younger and fitter than Ulrika, she's one of the favourites to win Dancing On Ice. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Lisa Scott-Lee – Lisa Scott-Lee? Who She? Forget what you've seen on Celebrity Big Brother – the most annoying member of Steps was always Lisa Scott-Lee. We don't know why – she just got right on our tits. Lisa Scott-Lee is on Dancing On Ice because she once lost a bet and was forced to never make any more music ever again. So now she's skating around a rink for a living. To some music. We're sure that contravenes her bet, you know. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Stephen Gately - Stephen Gately? Who He? Read everything we wrote about Lisa Scott-Lee. That's more or less the same as what we were going to saw about Stephen Gately, but with Boyzone instead of Steps for the band and crushing public apathy instead instead of an badly-judged bet for the not making music any more. Stephen Gately is an early joint favourite to win Dancing On Ice, which we're guessing is either because a) he's gay or b) he doesn't fall over in the Dancing On Ice advert. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 4/1 

Duncan James – Duncan James? Who He? Duncan James is the Primark Brad Pitt, if Brad Pitt was in a useless faux-urban boyband instead of a series of lucrative Hollywood movies. Since Blue split up, Duncan James has bumbled along with a complete failure of a solo album and a couple of ITV2 presenting jobs, but Dancing On Ice marks his big comeback in the same way that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here marked Antony Costa's big comeback. Antony who? Well, exactly. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 4/1

Next week: unless Dancing On Ice is terrible enough to make us want to kill ourselves – and who's to say it won't be – we'll be back with more Dancing On Ice betting odds. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.