On Saturday the new series of Dancing On Ice started or, as we've taken to calling it, Dancing On Jesus Effing Christ What The Shit Are Those Bastards Wearing? Our Eyes For The Love Of All That's Holy Our Eyes; anyway, Dr Fox got kicked out.

Luckily Dr Fox didn't get the Dancing On Ice boot for being a Celebrity Big Brother-style meta-racist, although he did get voted off Dancing On Ice for being a useless tosser who nobody actually likes. Dr Fox claims that he was singing along during his Dancing On Ice routine to Beyond The Sea to steady his nerves, but in reality it was to drown out the audience's catcalls of "Heart Magic FM? You podgy, stupid-named wanker!" and "What kind of tit flies a helicopter in his spare time? You make me sick!" But, look, Dr Fox is out of Dancing On Ice and it's probably going to be a better series for it.

So now that Dr Fox has gone, who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here's part one of this week's Dancing On Ice betting odds to win – for Kay Burley, Phil Gayle, Lisa Scott-Lee, Stephen Gately and Emily Symons – with help from Paddy Power…

Kay Burley – Fact: newsreaders are shit at everything. Bill Turnbull and Nicholas Owen were shit at Strictly Come Dancing, Fiona Bruce was shit at It Takes Two and sometimes we're positive Huw Edwards actually looks surprised by all the long words pouring out his mouth. And so to Kay Burley who – on Saturday's Dancing On Ice – suffered the desperate indignity of almost being as shit at dancing as Doctor Fox, earning a frankly piss-poor Dancing On Ice score of 14 for her routine to Heart Of Glass. Kay is least favourite to win Dancing On Ice, but what troubles us most is that Kay Burley was recently voted the most desirable woman on satellite TV. What? There's porn on satellite TV for Christ's sake. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 33/1

Phil Gayle – Phil Gayle is also a newsreader, so everything we wrote about Kay Burley goes double for him, except the bit about him being satellite TV's most desirable woman – a trophy which has sadly eluded him so far. Phil Gayle's Dancing On Ice partner is a terrifying Russian woman who hurled him around the rink during his Dancing On Ice routine to Handbags And Gladrags to such an extent that one of the Dancing On Ice judges told him he looked a bit special needs, just before handing him a lousy score of 14.5. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 25/1

Lisa Scott-Lee – OK, you're the first dancer on a prime-time TV show like Dancing On Ice, and for some reason you've been dressed up as the world's gayest sailor. What's the one thing that you don't want to do? Fall over. And what is the one thing that Lisa Scott-Lee managed to do during her Dancing On Ice routine to Super Trouper. That's right – fall over. So that's dancing on ice, being a solo singer and posing for topless paparazzi shots in the News Of The World without it looking like the most staged set of photos ever that Lisa Scott-Lee is failing at. And she still got a better score than the newsreaders with 17.5 points. Where's the justice? Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1

Stephen Gately – Before Dancing On Ice started, Stephen Gately was joint favourite to win the show, presumably because he's gay and was in a boyband. That reputation vanished the instant that Stephen Gately wobbled onto the ice and staggered his way through My First My Last My Everything like Bambi on a frozen lake after a run-in with a bull-barred jeep to a Dancing On Ice score of 14.5. But it doesn't matter how hopeless Steven Gately is at skating around to Barry White songs – if the legion of Boyzone fans don't keep voting him through, then all the Dads voting for his tiny blonde partner in the weeny dresses sure will. Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1

Emily Symons – We can only assume that all the Dancing On Ice votes that Emily Symons got on Saturday were pity votes purely because of the ridiculous get-up that she and her partner were dressed in. Quite how anyone can stand up straight knowing that your male Dancing On Ice partner is wearing a harrowing multicoloured cut-off top that shows off his belly is beyond us, let alone performing a straight-faced ice dance to Copacabana. Incredibly Emily Symons managed to pull her routine off, grabbing the comparatively high score of 19.5. And next week, who knows, maybe Emily will get an even higher score. She'll need to wear a dress that isn't coloured like clown vomit, mind you. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1 

Tomorrow – Dancing On Ice betting odds for the rest of the wobbly idiots. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.