Common sense rules that watching a load of people dressed as nitwits skating around on some ice to all sorts of bad music should be horrifying – but despite this Dancing On Ice is quickly becoming must-see television for one reason and one reason only.

It's not the nano-celebrities taking part on Dancing On Ice, it's not the self-consciously nasty Dancing On Ice judges and it's not that woman who looks a bit like a supermarket own-brand version of Cat Deeley. No, the reason we're become slowly addicted to Dancing On Ice is the pervert Dancing On Ice commentator. We can't for the life of us remember the name of the pervert Dancing On Ice commentator but – boy oh boy – is he ever a pervert. Instead of commentating on the technical skills of the ice dancers, the pervert Dancing On Ice commentator prefers to dribble and rub himself while watching all the pretty girls skate around in little dresses. On Saturday he openly declared that he wanted to squeeze one girl until juice came out and then embarked on a long-winded sex fantasy about undressing Stephen Gately's partner. Seriously, the man is a filthy genius, and you need to pay more attention to him.

But who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here's part two of this week's Dancing On Ice betting odds – for Lisa Scott-Lee, Kyran Bracken, Duncan James and Claire Buckfield – with help as ever from Paddy Power…

Lisa Scott-Lee – Poor old Lisa Scott-Lee, it's like she's learnt all the basic human emotions from aping an animatronic Tyrannosaurus Rex sometimes. Take Saturday's Dancing On Ice – Lisa Scott-Lee danced to Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera, which called for a smattering of sexy attitude. Sadly, Lisa Scott-Lee seemed to confuse 'sexy attitude' for 'pulling the same face as she does during a bikini wax, only angrier'. It was ridiculous, and roughly as sexy as shutting your finger in a car door. The Dancing On Ice judges, though, were dazzled by Lisa's bewildering facial expressions and stupid hair and awarded her a score of 22.5 for it. Maybe they're trying to keep her in Dancing On Ice for as long as possible in the hope that one day she'll act like less of a dickhead. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 8/1

Kyran Bracken – We think that Kyran Bracken might be suffering from a case of too much too soon on Dancing On Ice. Last week Kyran threw everything he had into his routine – even doing The Worm, a move only used by breakdancers and the more ridiculous WWE wrestlers – meaning that anything he attempted on Saturday's Dancing On Ice wouldn't be able to hold a torch to it. And that's more or less what happened this weekend during Kyran's Dancing On Ice routine to Breakfast At Tiffany's – even though he got a score of 23 and a judge said he was the best technical skater in the competition, Kyran slipped down the Dancing On Ice betting odds because he couldn't replicate last week's brilliance. Maybe if he performs next week's dance with his trousers on fire and a hat made out of wasps he'll go back up again. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 4/1

Duncan James – And taking Kyran Bracken's place is Duncan James – a tubby little fucker from a boyband. Dressed as an extra from Summer Holiday, Duncan James performed a routine to a Gypsy Kings song that mainly involved skidding about on his knees a lot. And if that wasn't enough to convince you that Duncan James was trying to sabotage his own Dancing On Ice chances, the gay little beard that he seems to be growing left the matter indisputable. However, Duncan's plan backfired spectacularly – he got a score of 22 and is now second-favourite to win Dancing On Ice. Damn you, Blue fans. Damn you and your telephones. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 11/4

Claire Buckfield - it wouldn't be an overestimation to say that Claire Buckfield is so far ahead of the rest of the pack that Dancing On Ice may as well be renamed Holy Shit! Look At Claire Buckfield Dancing On Ice (And The Other Idiots A Bit). In her first Dancing On Ice routine, Claire blasted her way to take the favourite spot and, judging by Saturday's spectacular effort, she'll be damned if she's going to give it up for anyone. In fact, Claire's Dancing On Ice routine to Like A Star was so exciting that even Claire herself had to take travel sickness pills to stop her blasting puke all over Torvill and Dean. No wonder – the routine involved her being lifted by her partner on one hand and spun around so fast that we half-expected her skating boots to fly off her feet and impale Lee Sharpe through his wolfy head. Claire Buckfield got a massive score of 25 on Saturday, and they might as well just make her the winner now. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/4

Tomorrow – We're doing betting odds for The Oscars. Exciting, huh? But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.