Reality shows have often confused and left us scratching our heads as to what they’re about.

Big Brother isn’t about siblings. Strictly Come Dancing sounds like some sort of torturous experience. And A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila? That could literally be anything if you’ve got a filthy enough mind.

What is plain, simple and to the point is Dancing On Ice. It literally does what it says on the tin. Some people will attempt to skate on some ice whilst falling over for our amusement. But they aren’t just any people – they’re celebrities! Therefore it adds immediate coolness. Because we wouldn’t watch if it was a family from Stoke battling against one from Coventry. After the jump, the personalities who’ll be breaking their arms on the ice when the show returns in January.

Sinitta – Does she really have one name or is she one of those Brazilian types who like to add dramatic effect to themselves? Despite being a singer once, we can’t remember anything she’s ever sung. All she’s known for now is being Simon Cowell‘s ex-girlfriend and scarily wearing just banana leaves on this year’s X Factor.

Mikey Graham – Are Boyzone still going or are they just on an extended holiday? This Irishman is a member of the group, so he’ll quite likely squeal a pitch-perfect tone if he accidentally gets his ballsack stuck to the ice while making an arse of a routine.

Tana Ramsay – Wife of Gordon Ramsay. Could win from sympathy votes alone.

Heather Mills – She would like to be known as a charity worker, peg-leg or the star of a 1980s German sex manual, but this won’t happen. Legions of sad Beatles fanboys will watch in vain hoping she breaks her one remaining leg. If I’m A Celebrity-style challenges could be used on this show, Heather Mills would be voted to do them all.

Dr. Hilary Jones – Just give the man the title now, he is a legend of morning TV. Thanks to his advice, we’ve been able to safely clean up our leaky nipple problem without going to see a real GP. The sort of man you wouldn’t let near your children despite looking so trustworthy.

Bobby Davro – Look at this video. Fast-forward to 3.50. Realise that you don’t want this man to be famous again. Vote him off Dancing On Ice at the first possible opportunity.

Danniella Westbrook – Most famous for losing half her nose then her rubbish acting on EastEnders, she is going to be the producers’ modern and trendy’ contestant. Even though pensioners will hate her for being an ex-drug addict.

Jeremy Sheffield – Starred in second rate Casualty spin-off Holby City where he fixed dying people and told relatives that the insides of their loved ones are splattered across various motorways. Once starred in a car advert, so he’ll be looking to expand his profile after the show. Also a trained ballet dancer, which hardly seems very fair.

Hayley Tamaddon – No idea.

Danny Young – From Coronation Street, which might mean something to some of you.

Gary Lucy – Started off in Hollyoaks and went up the shit TV ladder to Footballers Wives. Presumably living off the income off DVD sales of stuff he’s starred in, this will give him a cash boost until he resorts to doing porn.

Emily Atack – This shows how desperate the programme is for ‘celebrities’ when they ask someone whose major TV role has been to play ten-second roles as Neil’s sister in Channels 4’s The Inbetweeners. Won’t get very far as she is a model and fat girls who can’t ice skaters will hate her. Related to Paul McCartney, though, so that could (won’t) be interesting.

Kieron Richardson – Another Hollyoaks person. Says it all.

Sharron Davies – Someone must have lied to this poor Olympic swimmer. Not only is she the most talented there, but she will find it hard to breaststroke through solid ice.

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