Here’s a little fact about me: I have a massive collection of Archie Comics. Before iPhones, I couldn’t use the bathroom without one in hand, which might be more than you needed to know about me. Anyway, when I was like 11 I became weirdly fascinated with the actual love lives of these characters and often wondered which characters were probably doing it (Veronica was probably banging Archie, but Betty definitely wasn’t).
It seems like The CW also shared my pubescent curiosity because it’s making an entire teen drama called “Riverdale” all about who’s boning who in the world of Archie. However, if you watch the trailer that was released, it becomes pretty apparent that whoever made this show has never read a single Archie comic.
The trailer isn’t on YouTube for some reason, but you can Google it.
If you mixed Twin Peaks (which is being rebooted) with the newer 90210 (obviously a reboot) and then threw the name of beloved comic book characters on them (which is what they’re doing), then you’ve got whatever the fuck this mess is. I’m pretty sure this is the most unoriginal thing that has ever happened on television and I’m really confused as to why they had to make it about Archie and the gang. Like, if they wanted to make a teen murder mystery show, why the fuck do they need Jughead Jones? (who is being played by one of those twins from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, I shit you not).
The guy they have playing Archie is OBVIOUSLY not a natural redhead, so right away I’m like NO. Then one of the big plot points is that the Archie character is having an affair with sexy young music teacher, MS. GRUNDY?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! What is this ABSOLUTE mess? Who came up with this?!
The CW released a synopsis for this fuckery yesterday, and, well, if you were expecting a lovable teen drama about the mischief of those wacky Riverdale kids, you will be HIGHLY disappointed.
As a new school year begins, the town of Riverdale is reeling from the recent, tragic death of high school golden boy Jason Blossom, and nothing feels the same. Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) is still the all-American teen, but the summer’s events made him realize that he wants to pursue a career in music — not follow in his dad’s footsteps—despite the sudden end of his forbidden relationship with Riverdale’s young music teacher, Ms. Grundy (Sarah Habel).
Which means Archie doesn’t have anyone who will mentor him — certainly not singer Josie McCoy (Ashleigh Murray), who is only focused on her band, the soon-to-be-world-famous Pussycats. It’s all weighing heavily on Archie’s mind — as is his fractured friendship with budding writer and fellow classmate Jughead Jones (Cole Sprouse). Meanwhile, girl-next-door Betty Cooper (Lili Reinhart) is anxious to see her crush Archie after being away all summer, but she’s not quite ready to reveal her true feelings to him. And Betty’s nerves — which are hardly soothed by her overbearing mother Alice (Mädchen Amick) aren’t the only thing holding her back.
When a new student, Veronica Lodge (Camila Mendes), arrives in town from New York with her mother Hermione (Marisol Nichols), there’s an undeniable spark between her and Archie, even though Veronica doesn’t want to risk her new friendship with Betty by making a play for Archie. And then there’s Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch)… Riverdale’s Queen Bee is happy to stir up trouble amongst Archie, Betty, and Veronica, but Cheryl is keeping secrets of her own. What, exactly, is she hiding about the mysterious death of her twin brother, Jason? Riverdale may look like a quiet, sleepy town, but there are dangers in the shadows…
I know, I know. I don’t know what the fuck this is, either.
If they wanted to do a realistic teen drama about Riverdale High why didn’t they just make a show that focused on shit like Jughead’s eating disorder, Veronica’s spending addiction, Betty’s messed up obsession with a guy who treats her like crap, Archie’s womanizing ways, Reggie’s narcissism, and Midge and Moose’s CLEARLY emotionally abusive relationship?! The real Archie comics had some great shit for a teen drama to go on, why the hell are they making it this weird murder mystery about Jason Blossom, a character so minor I genuinely forgot he existed until I watched this preview and I LEGIT read Archie comics EVERY day.
But you know what the WORST part of all of this is? The fact that I will 100% watch this shit. I mean, I’m secretly excited for the new season of “Scream” on Netflix, so obviously I’ll get into anything that has an ounce of mystery, but even I’m judging myself for this one.