Former Paula Abdul backing singer and Earth Wind & Fire dancer, Michael Jackson, has passed away last night in a flurry of controversy, mainly because “he didn’t seem the sort to just die like that, did he?”
The former singer, who of course had minor R&B hits such as ‘Let’s Get Serious’ and ‘Raspberry Beret’, died while in the arms of his rumoured lover, Doctor Conrad Murray who, at the time of press, has asked for his ‘privacy to be respected at this time of huge sadness and mountainous loss’.
Of course, with that, we went snooping through his bins and stuck a dictaphone in his face so we could get the words “respect my privacy please” and “mountainous loss”.
The circumstances around Jackson’s death are as yet unclear, but early reports from TMZ seem to suggest that The Queen Of Pop expired while sitting on the toilet “having a treat”. Of course, ‘having a treat’ in the celebrity world is code for a man who likes to sit down to urinate every-so-often, as a little treat away from the usual ‘standing up for a tinkle’.
It is also rumoured that Guns ‘n’ Roses frontman, Axl Rose, was present at the time of death (Axl and Jackson have been playing a lot of Fifa11 together lately) who appears to have been on-hand to bully anyone within earshot.
A source close to Jackson, says:
“Axl was always round Mike’s house. Even though Jackson died ages ago, his body was still carted around the house because people were just so unwilling to let go. Even Jackson himself wasn’t prepared to die for a second time. So, Axl was drafted in to chide, belittle and harangue Michael until his corpse simply refused to go on any longer. Sadly, it seems to have worked.”
It is unusual for a celebrity to die twice, but this is something Jackson was keen to do. In 2001, Michael is on record as saying to Billboard
“Most celebrities snuff their lid the once and hope for a big outpouring of grief. I’d like to go one better. I’d like to die twice. I don’t think anyone has ever done that before. Apart from Jesus of course, but he wasn’t half the dancer I am.”
So why now? It appears Jackson’s first death was ill-timed and accidental after a sex-game with Murray went woefully wrong when Michael was injected with Propofool so rigorously by Murray that he just quit being alive. However, Jackson was obviously keen to stick around a bit longer so he could watch his close pal, Liz Taylor, die.
A source close to Elizabeth Taylor’s corpse said of her death:
“She’d only been pronounced dead a matter of seconds before Michael’s body was flung through a nearby window. He was always one for a grand entrance! As Liz’s lifeless body lay, everyone could palpably feel Jackson’s cadaver willing itself to cry. It was an incredible and powerful moment for everyone in attendance, not least Axl Rose who was hurling abuse at his own distorted reflection in back of a spoon.”
“Jackson’s corpse lay motionless for a good hour before being helped away by his team. He was clearly too upset to move and it was clear he had given up on life at that moment. When he was taken away, we all marvelled at a greasy stain on Taylor’s rug which, if your squinted your eyes and stepped back about 30 feet, seemed to spell out the words “Liberian Girls”, which we all know was the name of the motorcycle gang which was headed up by Taylor and Jackson.”
So now, once more, we have to wave goodbye to Michael Jackson and his magical dancing feet and his famous odour of rotting flesh.
We shall leave the last word to him.
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Sam says
Aren’t april fools pranks supposed to be fake? This is all true. MJs corpse raped justin bieber. FACT!
Sammy, sammy, sammy says
Sammy my boy, you’ve really got to get off this necrophilia fetesh of yours. Well that and the whole FACT caps thing is really passe`, so 90’s type of thing. Step away from the corpse little sammy, step away. Oh, since ole Jacko was chemically castrated as a child to keep his voice like a child so the the whole whacko clan could keep the cash cow going he couldn’t have raped anyone. That is FACT.
joemomma says
Fact. MJ fans are mental midgets. I just discovered this one woman here at work who blabs all her personal things in an open office. Stuff like:
– going for a colon clense
– how her husband is trying to take custody of her kids
– how she leases a SLK
– how the guy she shagged on Monday wanted her to stay for breakfast but she had to leave
– how she only dates guys that have kids
– how she dated a guy without kids (the guy she shagged on that Monday)
– how she found some guys RIM and now he’s hitting on her
– how her credit card was $400 over limit
– how she returns clothes after buying them
Anyways, she’s a HUGE MJ fan.
PS: This is all true and not in a Hecklerspray way, but real true.
E says
If this is supposed to be a funny April Fool’s joke, then you’ve failed miserably. It’s not funny at all. Didn’t even laugh once. Didn’t even smile. Think of something more original next time.
Denny's Grand Sam says
OK, Mos Def or whatever your name is, I like the April Fools jokey lots more than even the next guy, who is NOT Axl Rose, btw, but honestly? I found this tasteless, bizarre, juvenile and the worst offense, NOT FUNNY! Well except for the visuals of MJs corpse flinging itself through a window @ Cedars Sinai’s Liz Ward. But seriously, folk (choosing to use the singular since it appears only one other live human read this besides myself), find yourself some better AFD material. MJ was a lot of complicated, sad yet brilliant things, but he was most certainly not a backup dancer for Paula Abdul, nor is he a wandering smelly corpse. Shame on you (in all seriousness) for taking something so tragic, so 2009, and attempting to exploit it for your idea of wacky AFD humor. Pick on someone living next time, please.
Cookie Monster says
Excellent post! It is a beacon of fine investigative journalism that shall guide the media of the world. BBC, CBC, CNN, and even the mental midgets at Fox should be ashamed of having overlooked such a monumental story. Larry King surely would have returned from death to conduct the most watched corpse-on-corpse interview in history. That the story was probably cribbed from Laidlow muttering away while having a little nappy-pooh at his desk to sleep-off his morning chug-n-snort doesn’t matter.
MJ fans, you should all celebrate the return of your ripe hero. I am, of course, saddened that he had to leave you again, and so soon, despite your most heartfelt sobbing and venemous defence of his online honour. Once again, he has left you asking “This is it, this time, right?”. Rest assured that he has now joined the likes of Hitler, Jesus, and Elvis in the hallowed halls of the twice-departed (sorry, Heath Ledger fans, being brain-dead/Australian throughout one’s life and then becoming dead-dead does not count). Also, you may now know that MJ didn’t rape a single young boy in his entire life, so long as you don’t specify which (which life, not which boy). Though, true to form, it’s rumoured that he made a play for Gary Coleman, not realising that the fetid little tyke was forty-two.
Anyway, hats off to you, MJ. If there is any justice, you will be post-posthumously awarded a few more lifetime achievement awards.
Sonya says
This is a horrible April Fool’s joke. Not funny at all. Tasteless.
Sue Adams says
This is vile and totally tasteless! Really, you must be so very insecure in yourself to even NEED to print this – GROW UP, GET A LIFE – what have you done in the world lately to even begin to compare to all MJ worked hard all his life for?! Evidently, you like your infamy and time in the ‘spotlight’ at the cost of another’s hard work! How SAD does that make YOU!!!!