Cruise-Holmes Baby Finishes First Year As Human On Planet Earth

Can you believe that our little bundle of weirdness is a year old already?

Time flies when you’re wasting your life hitting entertainment websites for hours a day on company time like we do. Yes, it’s true. Suri 'I’m changing my first name when I’m 18 because my parents are just plain cruel' Cruise has hit the Big 0-1 on April 18th.

First of all, we’re shocked that we even care, but then we remembered we have no friends and no life, so it’s all good. Second, we can’t help but wonder what this mean for the much-scrutinised spawn of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise? In Hollywood years it means that it’s time to get serious about getting rid of that baby fat. Seriously, have you seen those thighs?? Um, it’s called lite baby formula. Look into it, sweetheart.

It also means that Suri Cruise is one year closer to being able to comprehend that she pretty much has no chance of being normal, and that other humans do not all laugh and smile in the freakish manic way that her dad does. The world will be watching intently to see how Suri deals with the pressure. Will she be a good little girl and smile and wave for the cameras while secretly dying inside, only to flip out in her formative years and run off with Sean Preston Spears? Will she rebel and actually have a personality and exert an opinion, unlike half of her parental unit? We’re rooting for a little of both. 

If you’re looking to pick up a little something for Suri Cruise's birthday, you’ll be saddened to know that she is not registered at the celebrity hot spot for all kinds of baby crap, Petit Tresor, in LA. According to tmz.com, a patron came to the store and asked if Suri Cruise is registered there, because the tot doesn’t have every piece of baby gear known to mankind, so obviously her parents would register for gifts. Our advice? Just make a card saying that a donation has been made in Suri’s name, and then indicate the made-up charity of your choice.

You know, we’re really quite hurt that we weren’t invited to the party. Suri’s so rich that she probably gets a cake with real buttercream frosting, not that cheap whipped refuse that gets all dry and crusty and makes us want to vomit, so we compensate by eating too much ice cream and actually do vomit. We’re lactose intolerant, you know.

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Fans Go Cruisazy For Suri's Birthday - TMZ