Hot news just in! Miley Cyrus has got engaged! To a 53-year-old weirdo called Mark McLeod! In his mind! And nowhere else!

And, inevitably, he’s just been charged with trying to stalk her! According to reports, Mark McLeod – who’s already been arrested for stalking Miley Cyrus once – was caught disobeying police orders by visiting Miley’s movie set and asking strangers if they’d seen her. Well, Miley Cyrus does like her men, quite old, doesn’t she?

But the real question is, what did Mark McLeod see in the ridiculously wealthy and overtly sexual teenager Miley Cyrus? Maybe we’ll just never know.

Imagine being Miley Cyrus’ stalker. What a joyless existence that would be. First of all – what’s the point? Why go to the bother of hiding in a bush outside Miley Cyrus’ window for hours at a time waiting for her to get undressed when pictures of that exact thing already exist on the internet? And just going to Miley Cyrus’ house means that you run the risk of seeing Billy Ray Cyrus‘ stupid little beard up close – something that could easily drive a man to the edge of despair.

And, worst of all, what happens if your stalking pays off and Miley Cyrus falls in love with you? Then you’re stuck forever with a babbling, hyperactive 16-year-old girl who doesn’t so much talk as constantly shriek “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD” as loud as she can millimetres away from your face 24 hours a day in a deceptively raspy old man’s voice. That is quite probably the literal definition of hell. You’d have to be a lunatic to want to stalk Miley Cyrus.

But, happily, that’s what Mark McLeod appears to be. He’s just been charged with attempting to stalk Miley Cyrus, after being arrested for it twice. Reports suggest that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was charged after police caught him 180 miles from his home on the set of Miley’s new movie, despite being told not to do that very thing last time he was arrested for taking an unnatural interest in her. What’s more, McLeod then apparently attempted to headbutt police officers as they arrested him, which never really helps matters.

Once he’d calmed down, though, it’s reported that McLeod admitted to sending hundreds of letters to Miley Cyrus in a short period of time, and his replies came in the form of secret coded messages addressed specifically to him on her TV shows and website. Oh, and last time he was arrested, Mark McLeod told the New York Daily News that he’d just got engaged to Miley, too:

He said he first saw her in concert in Orlando last year and since then “I’ve kinda been watching everything she does.” He told police in June they were secretly engaged after “our eyes met at her concert and we both knew.”… McLeod also insisted that her father, country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, had given him his blessing. He also promised to invite arresting officer Warren Millikan to their wedding.

It’s disgusting, isn’t it? Mark McLeod is clearly deluded. Miley Cyrus would never go for a man as old as him. Unless, you know, he was an underwear model or something, because then there’s possibly a slim chance that she might briefly consider it.

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