A lot of good so far this year. Lorra-lorra bad too.

Folded:

• Control out on DVD (stirring account of Joy Division front man Ian Curtis’ descent into martyrdom)

• Cats wearing clothes (always funny – like children falling over or Ruth Madoc)

• Free weights (gyms are for narcissistic ladyboys)

• City of Vice (if Programmes For Schools were like this in our day we would have stayed there longer)

• Juno (she’s a smart-alec kid you want to slap, but this is an okay film and no deep-seated hatred of the lead character should stand in your way)

Creased:

• BBC Breakfast MILFs (we’re all for a cheap morning erection, but come on)

• Leather bomber jackets (everyone has got one now. Vintage Cafe Racer, that’s the way to go)

• David Jordan (a dash of Wizbit, a smidgen of Bond, just a touch of Jona Lewie and a great big dollop of shite)

• iTunes (never far away from anyone’s shit-list, this breaks down more often than Britney)

• Chair-kicking teens (you heard right the first time – your feet will be torn off and used as doorstops. Understood?)