Gut and schlecht.

Folded:

• BBQs before 8pm (you can’t beat the whiff of a good burnt burger)

• The Bourne Ultimatum (if you still haven’t seen it, what’s the matter with you?)

• The kids are going back to school! (balances that Owen Wilson thing out)

• Maltesers milk drink (goes all frothy, tastes like frothy chocolate)

• The X Factor (now back on Saturday nights with the hoover bag of life spewing all over your carpet. Wouldn’t miss it)

Creased:

• BBQs after 8pm (you will be eaten alive by gnats)

• Owen Wilson on the slide (a shame, as this guy’s actually good)

• Facebook group invitations (we think you know where you can stick your ‘purity/love/friendship’ test…)

• No Celebrity Big Brother in 2008 (January’s going to be a quiet piss-take month)

• Dermot O’Leary on The X Factor (bringing his own brand of Jesus TV to dullest links in the history of the world ever. Debbie King should have been host. Even Xtra Factor’s Fearne Cotton would have been a fitter, funkier, cuter, altogether more dateable choice)