“Is that with pay or without pay?”

Folded:

• The Simpsons Movie has arrived! (check your pulse, the only way this is won’t be exciting to you is if you’re dead)

• Puppet on a Chain (gripping Alistair MacLean B-movie from 1971. Some impressively visceral judo fights and a boat chase to make your legs wobble. Wonder who’ll be remaking it..?)

• The Kurt Cobain ‘action figure’ (re-enact all your favourite Nirvana moments with bendy Kurt and some mocked-up Action Man toys. Pass Go, collect your anti-depressants)

• More insane Rambo 4 mayhem (Rambo tearing some poor fellow’s head clean off his shoulders with his bare hands? Sly’s off his meds!)

• Heroes finally on BBC2 (slightly plodding start that will, has to, get better)

Creased:

• Cooking (it’s not relaxing – making a mess, buying pricey ingredients, washing up, too hot, burning yourself – it’s stressful)

• Prime Cut (recently shown late night on BBC1. If seeing Sissy Spacek naked in her first ever movie role is for you, seek this out. Otherwise don’t bother)

• Cancelling Lovefilm.com (you’ve had the 30 days free trial, you phone up to cancel your account, some guy with an impenetrable foreign accent tries desperately to talk you out of it – for a fucking hour)

• The Simpsons Movie special edition Xbox 360 (bright yellow? Cool. Just a hundred made? Exclusive. Only available as competition prizes? Fuck that)

• Floods (not been affected? Lucky bloody you)