Folded for the top, Creased for the bottom.

Folded:

• Apple iPhone hits the US (arrives in the UK later this year. You’ll buy one, or be ready to face accusations of being too gypo and poor)

• That 'Goths Go Wild in Blackpool' advert for Iron Bru (it’s a pity they all take themselves so seriously as this ad’s rather funny. Cheer up guys!)

• Ocean’s Thirteen (still showing in Wales probably. Go and watch if you can stand smugness in some of the finest suits imaginable)

• CSS (a halfway decent band or something to do with child support, we’re not sure)

• Just the tiniest bit of news relating to Life On Mars (want to see Gene Hunt’s lady sidekick in Ashes to Ashes? Here she is)

Creased:

• Jessica-Jane Clement (scary glamour girl with AWOL eyebrows, or trained ‘sexy swindler’ if you believe the TV. We don’t)

• Big Brother live feed (wanna sit up late at the weekend and watch TV? Try this monotony boring the shit out of you on three channels)

• Davina McCall (nice enough lady, but does she have to wear black every single time she’s on TV? Is she in mourning or something?)

• Finding space for all those extraneous birthday presents (more shelves, another Sunday gone)

• Dehydrated fruit (being healthy is disgusting)