Creased if you’re orca. Folded if you’re just overweight.

Folded:

• Ashes to Ashes (the Life on Mars spin off staring Philip Glenister’s Gene Hunt character is happening)

• Tiger bread (covered in a kind of paw-print pattern and smells vaguely of Marmite. It’s nice is all)

• Borat on DVD (we are still hoping for a free copy in the post. You should go and buy one)

• The Impossible Quiz (…will kill you. Fun though)

• Laughing at that Norbit trailer in the cinema (fat people are funny, they should be laughed at. Stop pretending)

Creased:

• Charlotte Church’s Friday Night Knees Up (or whatever. It sucks so much arse)

• ITV Play (don’t waste the beleaguered channel on ITV2+1. What about some re-runs of 80’s cartoons instead?)

• Alex Zane (thin-stripped weasel of a man. Don’t think his mother likes him much either)

• Goal 2: Living the Dream (oh, Christ, sweet Jesus, no. It’s terrible! Don't watch it)

• Pretending not to laugh at that Norbit trailer in the cinema (everyone says it’s rubbish so you’ll be damned if you’re going to make up your own mind. Good for you)