You can do it if you B&Q it!

Folded:

• Snow Patrol’s brilliant video for Open Your Eyes (taken from a 1976 short film called C'était un rendez-vous, directed by Claude Lelouch and featuring driving – up to 86 mph through unclosed Paris streets – by a real formula one driver. Mesmerising. Like a retro French travelogue)

• Nick Frost as Uncle Jack in Man Stoke Woman on BBC Three (all sketch shows are hit and miss, but Frost’s all-too-believable inebriated uncle is a major hit. The ladies are absolutely lovely too)

• Mitchell and Webb in those terrible Apple ads (no, you can’t blame them. Who wouldn’t take the money – so much money – and run?)

• Flower sellers (you've got to hand it to them, £5 for a single, fading, nearly dead rose on Valentine's Day. They should be running the country)

• The Bourne Ultimatum (the director of Supremacy? Tom Stoppard writing? Matt Damon’s sturdy chin returning? You can count us in, guvonor)

Creased:

• Jessica Simpson’s video for A Public Affair (the girliest song in the world with a striking resemblance to Get Myself Into It by The Rapture, only with less clothes and more highlights)

• Snow (it’s here, then it’s not, it’s blocking in your mate’s drive; yours is empty. It’s too damn temperamental nature, that’s the problem)

• Hot Fuzz (funny, but too long. Nearly two hours for an action comedy is completing misreading the audience. Like every disappointment you’ve ever had in the cinema, it feels like a missed opportunity)

• Live Free or Die Hard (some guff about computer hackers from the director of Underworld? Sounds dreadful)

• Rules (break ‘em! Do something illegal this weekend, then blame someone else. Not us)