Fire = Creased, Water = Folded. Eh, what? No, that can’t be right.

Folded:

• Jack Palance (so what if we thought he died last century? He was still a legend)
• Starbucks’ Christmas coffee flavours (Groan, Starbucks. But you can’t help but feel a bit Christmassy when getting ripped off for a peppermint-mocha-‘spresso with a drizzle of luminous syrup and whipped cream. It’s makes you feel all warm and tingly)
• Simon Amstell on Never Mind the Buzzcocks (assuming he’s not entirely scripted up the Khyber, this former T4 boy is actually downright witty)
• The Prestige in your head (the greatest trick director Christopher Nolan has ever pulled is to convince you you’re watching one genre, let’s assume a period thriller, when, in fact, you’re actually watching a whole different one. Let’s call it…well, we’re not going to ruin that for you. Buy a ticket)
• I’m No Longer a Celebrity, Keep Me in Here For as Long as Possible (anybody else out there swear blind they were never going to watch this programme ever again? God, we’re weak. Ah, come on, it’s worth it for the Toby Anstis sexuality debate alone)

Creased:

• Bo! In The USA (this is a truly terrible show)
• The fans of Pete Doherty (after watching a recent Arena documentary on BBC2, it’s obvious where all the poor deluded sod’s problems lie)
• Novelty Christmas books (you can’t get through the front door of Borders without tripping over ‘Ultimate Ironic Hairbrushes of the Seventies’, or something else equally likely to be reduced to half it's RRP in January)
• Man to Man With Dean Learner (so disappointed with this. Flatly, it’s just not very funny. Let’s get some more Darkplace on soon to cheer us up)
• Cinema snack prices (they want you go. They need you to go. Yet they charge more for popcorn than a Chelsea dealer chargers for crack. It is obscene)