In life, everything good is Folded, like paper money and lovely clean towels. However, everything bad in life is Creased, like waste paper and the face of that awful tosser Gordon Ramsey. Here's what's up and down this week:

Folded:

• Stupid baby names (First Moses and now Suri; top that, Brangelina)
• Ruth Badger (So fearsome that she should replace Alan Sugar on The Apprentice 3)
• King Biscuit Time (The single's good but the album's better. We're pleased The Beta Band split up)
• Loco Roco (Dear Sony, please send us a PSP so we can play this game forever)
• Soul Jazz Records (We wear a hole in Studio One Disco Mix and they release Tropicalia? It's like they can see our thoughts)

Creased:

• Easter Eggs (One bar's worth of chocolate in a giant box? You bastards!)
• VH1 (No no no, Bono isn't the best lyricist ever. Go back and try again)
• Scary Movie 4 (What's the betting that Scary Movie 5 spoofs Scary Movie 2?)
• Weddings (Now even Oprah has decided that they're rubbish)
• Free Broadband (There has to be a catch, just like when that old woman offered us that 'free' Kitkat…)