If it’s Folded, life says that very soon it’ll be Creased.

Folded:

* Man to Man With Dean Learner (it’s here, tonight, Channel 4, from the team [and characters] that brought you exquisitely funny spoof-comedy series Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. Hopes are high)
* Zach Braff (still not a major star in the UK yet, but he will be)
* Five US (got to be something on more worthwhile than BBC Three’s I’m With Stupid)
* Indian Ocean restaurant in York (okay, so most people reading this can’t relate, but until you’ve tried their Prawn Tandoori you just haven’t lived a day in your life. We like the little place, basically)
* Price Drop’s Sarah Hendy, currently on the Freshly Squeezed (she might end up driving us mad, but at least there’s somebody smiling in our lives at 7 am. Nice tattoo, too)

Creased:

* Reservoir Dogs video game – the paintball section (is there anything not wrong with what you’ve just read?)
* Computerised check-in at doctors’ surgeries (bet the old people love the permanently pre-menstrual receptionist pointing at a monitor and telling them to tap in their date of birth? You’ve gotta admire just how much our NHS hates the elderly. Quite an achievement)
* Ruby in Eastenders (actress Louisa Lytton on the cover of every poor person’s TV guide every week, and always pulling exactly the same ‘white teeth and smiles, but no room for an IQ’ facial expression)
* The X-Factor vs Strictly Come Dancing (X-Factor’s for chavs, Come Dancing’s for your mother. We all watch at least one of them though)
* Rick Edwards on the Freshly Squeezed; mouth full of marbles, head full of air (not what you want of a morning)