OK, hands up who didn't see this one coming – bald Britney Spears has left rehab after less than a day for the second time in a week, possibly so that she can devote more time to hacking her hair off and weeping in front of everyone.
According to reports, Britney Spears yesterday broke out of the Malibu Promises rehab facility just hours after she entered it, leading to even more concerns about her safety and state of mind. Although in the two minutes it's taken us to write this there's every chance that Britney Spears has entered and left a whole other bunch of rehab clinics like a giant wussy flake, all eyes are currently on bald Britney Spears to see what she'll do next. Personally we're hoping that Britney paints her face up like a disturbing Anna Nicole Smith-style clown, but that's just us.
Rehab is for pussies. You heard. Everyone who's ever been to rehab is a pussy. Lindsay Lohan is a pussy, Mel Gibson is a pussy, Keith Urban is a pussy, Isaiah Washington is a massive freaky super-pussy – but Britney Spears isn't a pussy at all. Because Britney Spears shits rehab. And also Britney Spears looks like Phil Mitchell with her shaved head and we're scared that she'd beat us up if we called her a pussy.
But anyway, back to Britney's rehab-shitting. Back in the old days – the days that she had hair – Britney Spears didn't need rehab. She was quite happy calling her baby a mistake, going to nightclubs just so that she could collapse at the stroke of midnight, choosing boyfriends by testing the volume of her warm puke they could hold in their hands and showing off her vagina like a pair of new shoes. And not being a lesbian, obviously. But for some reason, those around Britney Spears thought that this behaviour was out of the ordinary, and so last week they packed her off to rehab.
Problem was, though, that the rehab they sent Britney to sounds rubbish. Britney Spears booked into the Crossroads Centre in Antigua, which would be lovely were it not for the fact that it's owned by Eric Clapton. Three spins of godawful panpipe muzak versions of Wonderful Tonight and Britney Spears was away; and we all know what happened next – needless to say it involved bald Britney Spears going loopy-doo, a bewildering million-dollar Britney Spears hair sale and a bunch of kickass Britney haikus.
Following that strange little outburst Britney Spears gave rehab another shot – this time trying the Promises rehab centre in Malibu. But guess what? Britney's only gone AWOL from that one too, as E! Online reports:
Her manager, Larry Rudolph, confirmed Tuesday that the 25-year-old singer had voluntarily entered rehab, telling E! News' Ryan Seacrest that Spears was determined to focus on her recovery. … Paparazzi photos of a bald-headed Spears taking a smoking break within the confines of the treatment center surfaced on the Internet Tuesday afternoon. A source tells E! Online that Spears was furious about the photographs, which directly contributed to her decision to leave Promises. Unsurprisingly, Spears' friends and family aren't happy that she has given up on rehab once again. "Everyone in the family is crying and beside themselves," a close family friend tells E! Online's Marc Malkin. "To say that the family is devastated is beyond an understatement. Nobody knows what to do."
There's an old saying in the hecklerspray family that bald Britney Spears would do well to remember right now. Leave rehab once, shame on you. Shave all your hair off and leave rehab twice, and you'll be tethered to a staircase like Redmond O'Neal faster than you can invent an unfunny Oops She Did It Again headline.