Technically, I guess I could have said ‘Weston Cage Is Going To Be A Father” but then most of you would have went “Who?” and ended up Googling him before you even read what I had to say. Then you’d inevitably read some other blogger’s article and forget about me, I’d get a case of the sads, which would cause me to drink way too much boxed wine, and I’d end up pantless crying over my wasted Bachelor’s degree in English and wondering where I went wrong in life (side bar- where I went right is more like it bitches (yes side bar again, I’ve already opened my first box anyway. Oops!)).
Sorry, back on topic. Yup Weston, the Hot Topic circa 2003 son of Nicolas Cage, is expecting a child with his wife, thus continuing the cycle of the mentally unstable raising the next generation of crazies. I can’t wait to see what kind of obnoxious crap Nic Cage will buy for his future grandson that will get repo’d within 6 months because Cage is allergic to paying his bills. Weston Cage is 23 and already on his second marriage because bat shit craziness is not conducive to a long-term successful relationship. His last marriage was built on booze and a mutual love for Wet N Wild eyeliner, and ended as quickly as it started after they beat the shit out of each other in a drunken stupor. Since then, Weston had a few more outbursts that would have made 2007 Britney Spears cringe a bit and go “He needs help, ya’ll!”
But things have been quiet for Weston for a hot minute now, with his dad again being the Cage family member to make headlines. Papa Nic has been learning the hard way that if you waste your millions of dollars buying castles and planes and crap, but don’t bother to pay your taxes or get an IRA account or some shit, that you will end up broke as hell with every Tom, Dick, an Harry Repo Man coming after you. It’s kind of sad, though it’s hard to truly sympathize with someone for blowing their riches by being stupid.
Anyway, now Weston and his wife Danielle have told Closer Weekly that they were giving the world exactly what it wants, more Nic Cage.
“I’m so excited! This wasn’t necessarily planned, but it is completely welcomed. We’re so happy to be giving birth eventually.”
It’s like Weston basically admits that he forgot that STDs are the only possible outcome to bumping uglies. “It’s okay, Nic Jr. Your mommy and I totally didn’t want you at first, but eventually we got over it. Especially once we realized we could make some more money for our very expensive hair dye regiment by giving interviews about you!”
Weston also spat out how he and his dad are BFFs, which is a far cry from a few years ago when Nic was hiring babysitters for Weston that Weston beat up for saying “No!”
“He was ecstatic. His reaction was one of pure joy and bliss. Family is very important to us. My father and I actually speak everyday and Danielle and I texted him the ultrasound photograph which was actually confirmation of what we thought.”
If E! was smart, they would replace the annoying klusterfuck (copyright that Kris!) that is Keeping Up With the Kardashians and instead make the Cage family their prime time show. Weston can show off his sexy roundhouse kicks while singing lullabies. Nic can hoarsely whisper some Grimm’s Fairytales, really hone his craft in the baby’s nursery. It would be epic.