No, not Crash the David Cronenberg movie about James Spader having it off with people inside a smashed-up car – that would be too much like fun – we mean Crash the dreary Oscar-winning movie about racism and whatnot. That's the Crash that's being turned into a TV series.
We know. We can't wait either.
Remember when Brokeback Mountain won the Oscar for Best Picture a couple of years ago? Good wasn't it? Remember it well, do you? Yeah? No you don't, you big bloody liar! Even though it was infinitely more well-known and iconic, Brokeback Mountain didn't win the Best Picture Oscar. Crash did.
Oh, come on. Crash. You remember Crash. It was Crash – the miserable film where a collection of stereotypes are racist to each other in a needlessly heavy-handed way and everyone cries a lot and silently screams into the sky because of all the emotional racist anguish they're experiencing. Remember it now?
Well, imagine Crash's sledgehammer racist miserablism stretched out for hour after hour after hour after hour, possibly for years. You see, Crash is being turned into a TV series, so that's exactly what you'll get. BBC News reports:
Crash, the movie which unexpectedly won best film at the Oscars two years ago, is being turned into a TV series. Thirteen one-hour programmes will be made US cable channel Starz. The show is expected to premiere in August. Paul Haggis, who co-wrote and directed the original, will be executive producer. Actor Don Cheadle will join the team and could reprise his role. The series will pick up where the movie ended. Cheadle, who will be a producer, said: "It will present an opportunity to delve into many subjects, not just race relations in LA."
Whatever your opinion, you have to admit this – Crash sounds like it'd be perfect viewing for people who like to stay in thinking about suicide. Although if the Crash TV series is a success, why couldn't it go onto dominate other mediums too, like animated Saturday morning cartoons or three-panel newspaper comic strips? Or puppet shows?
So will the Crash TV series be a success or a failure? If it's to be a success, it had better learn the golden rule of movie-to-TV spin-offs – sexy teenage robots. Lots of 'em.