Coyotes Eat Paris Hilton’s Salty Lap-Dogs

The southern California coyote population seems to be working itself well-away from the brink of extinction.

This is good news, as just three months ago they’d been diminished by the encroachment of man to a population of one. It lived in a multi-level parking garage just off Sunset Blvd.

Luckily for devoted coyote enthusiasts everywhere, Sasha (that’s was the one coyote’s name. His mother was from Russia) saw the direness of his predicament, and vowed to increase his people’s population through improved diet, and a mass fertilisation of everything he ever came across.

That improved diet, by the way, included celebrity lap dogs – like the ones recently eaten right out of Paris Hilton‘s backyard.

In our opinion P. Hilton shouldn’t be raising small dogs. She should adopt all those drunk elephants she cares so much about. Elephants are a far superior pet, you know. They self-clean, they’re far too big for coyotes to sneak away with in their mouths, and they pay for themselves by way of those beautiful ivory tusks.

But Hilton chooses not to invest in pachyderms, which is foolish because it’s just throwing away guaranteed money. Instead she chooses to fill her backyard poop bucket with the faeces of like 17 small dogs.

Better make that 15. Two just gotten eaten by coyotes who may or may not have been out on a sacred Indian right of passage. X17Online‘s got the scoop:

“We are sad to break the news that Ms. Hilton lost two of her most beloved pets in an attack by a coyote that came down into her neighborhood during the night. Unfortunately it’s a common occurrence here in LA where homes in the hills meet with wildlife in their back yards. A source tells X17 Paris was “devastated” and that she’s been crying about it non-stop.”

Well at least one dog was spared such a horrible fate.

hecklerspray‘s sources tell us this attack is extremely unusual as most coyotes observe a pretty strict vegetarian diet. The confusion seems to have set in because Hilton’s two dogs were sunning on the back deck with a green facial mask and cucumber slices where their eyes should have been.

Also they were resting in a nest made of cabbage and smelled of tofu-bacon.

That actually sounds pretty good. Throw in a fruit cup and we’ve half a mind to eat them ourselves.