Robert Pattinson, as the whole world already knows, is the dreamiest plank of balsa wood on the planet.

But this dreaminess comes at a cost. Everywhere Robert Pattinson turns, he’s confronted by a wall of screaming, knicker-wetting teenage girls in too much eyeliner who appear to think he’s a cross between Jesus and The Beatles, rather than the personality-free stupid-haired toff that he actually is.

Or, worse still, Robert Pattinson has to put up with mothers constantly trying to set him up with their daughters. Slightly deranged-looking mothers. Who look like they probably smell a bit. Courtney Love, basically.

As hopelessly nutty as she seems to be most of the time, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Courtney Love. She’s doomed to a lifetime of romantic failure. The moment her husband decided to spray the back of his skull all over his ceiling 15 years ago, Courtney Love was hamstrung for life.

On one hand, the still-rabid army of Nirvana fans won’t allow Courtney to sully Kurt Cobain’s memory by moving on, and on the other hand she’s a berserk-looking recovering drug addict with paranoid tendencies, a voice like a lawnmower running over a tin can and a face that looks like an infected mosquito bite. The poor woman can’t win.

So, with Courtney Love unable to even find love through online dating, she’s decided to change tack. Rather than hopelessly chase men until she’s a wizened old spinster, Courtney has decided to dedicate her life to finding love for her 16-year-old daughter Frances Bean. And she’s aiming high – her first target is Twilight star Robert Pattinson. OK! reports:

Apparently the Hole singer thinks that the Twilight hunk is just the kind of English gent that 16-year-old Frances Bean needs to go out with. “Courtney thinks he’s charming and handsome and absolutely has to be Frances’s first date,” a source said. “She’s doing everything she can to engineer another meeting.”

As lovely a girl as we’re sure Frances Bean is, we can’t help feeling that Courtney Love has set her sights just a little bit too high here. What with every teenage girl – and slightly creepy adult woman – on Earth deciding against all objective evidence that Twilight is a good film, Robert Pattinson has never been in higher demand. Right now, Robert Pattinson could have his pick of any female on the planet – provided, obviously, that they’re gormless, about 13 years old and can’t seem to leave messages on websites without coming off like the worst kind of shrieking dimwit.

So does Frances Bean stand a chance with Robert Pattinson? Usually we’d say no, although we have to admit that Courtney Love is no fool when it comes to timing. She’s manoeuvred Frances Bean into the fray right after Robert Pattinson got his famous hair cut off, so the fact alone that his face now looks like a sort of clueless, malnourished, petrified tree stump has probably shunted her up the rankings somewhat. Clever girl, Courtney. Clever girl.

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