Well hecklerspray is both happy and sad. We're happy because we can now apply the money we were saving for Dannielynn's college fund towards a rhinoplasty operation. Not because we need the operation mind you, it's to cure our snoring. Seriously, we cut a very striking profile. Now does anyone know where we can get a $15 operation like that?
We're sad over the news that baby Dannielynn's father wasn't us because now we're going to be daughter-less and lonely just like Howard K. Stern and Alex Denk and Frederic Von Anhalt and J Howard Marshall and possibly but probably not Bob the Builder. We still consider ourselves daughter-less because the eight or nine pre-teen female kids we 'do have' scattered up and down the American midwest aren't millionaires at all. Yeah, have a nice life non-millionaire girl children.
The super long drawn out fight for the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl has come to an end due completely to the grace and benevolence of the Bahamian legal system. We're not going to tell you Larry Birkhead is the father until you click on the next page. You have to click on the next page.
Dannielynn Stern has a new last name. Legal action in the Bahamas has proved once and for all that the child really did pour forth from Larry Birkhead's man-spout. It took a long time to prove too. First everyone and their mother claimed to have slept with Anna Nicole at the opportune time to fertilise her lady-eggs. Then people who probably knew they weren't really the father tried to refuse court ordered DNA sampling until they didn't have a choice.
But all for naught. As E! Online put it:
"After six months of international legal wrangling, DNA swabbing and accusations of fraud, a genetic expert announced in a closed-door hearing in Bahamian court Tuesday that the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child is Larry Birkhead."
Until today if we really had to guess paternity we'd have said Zsa Zsa Gabor because we know he's in the mix there somehow and he looks like he's got gallons of spoo to spare. Larry Birkhead, it seems, always knew it was his sperm that swam way up in there. He sounds thrilled about the results:
“I hate to be the one to tell you this but, I told you so. I’m the father. My baby’s going to be coming home pretty soon… I'm excited. I'm happy to start a life with my daughter…Things are moving quickly here."
The match was 99.9999% conclusive. Is Howard Stern going to keep up the fight. No. In his own words:
"My feelings for Dannielynn have not changed. I'm not going to fight Larry Birkhead for custody. I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that he gets sole custody."
Good luck with your hit radio show then, Mr. Stern.