Finally, I get to write about something I truly care about: Beyonce and Jay-Z’s sex life! The only people who care about Beyonce and Jay-Z’s sexy times more than me is Beyonce and Jay-Z. I’m not even joking. And recently, the world found out that, just like everything else, Beyonce and Jay-Z are better at sex than us.
On Thursday, Beyonce and Jay-Z hit up the notorious sex shop, Babeland, and dropped $6000 on sex toys. $6000! One time, my friend bought a sex swing that cost $100 and we gave her shit for spending so much on a goddamn sex toy, but Beyonce and Jay-Z just put her to shame.
An insider, aka someone who works at the store, wouldn’t reveal what the couple bought (who knew a sex shop worker would be so respectful and classy?) but said said that they didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme and it was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold plated. Of course, OF COURSE it was gold plated! This is Beyonce and Jay-Z we are talking about! I assume they make love on a bed made of diamonds, with sheets made of the finest Italian silk, while Boyz II Men sings LIVE behind a curtain, so they can’t lay eyes on the perfection that is naked Beyonce.
And you KNOW seeing Beyonce have sex would be like the greatest experience of your life. She be all like:
Though I respect the sex shop worker for not revealing the items that Jay-Z and Beyonce purchased, I’m also kind of bummed. What the fuck did they spend $6000 on?! I assume they at least bought a gold dildo. I can’t imagine that Beyonce would ever use a dildo that wasn’t made of gold. That’s probably it. $6000 in golden dildos and butt plugs. Mystery solved!