To be an effective country and western singer you need to be in possession of three basic character traits: 1) a bulletproof love of America, 2) a fondness for stupidly long pun-filled song-titles and 3) the ability to act like a pikey at a JB Sports closing-down sale.
Take Mindy McCready for example. Sure, Mindy McCready may have had number one singles and multi-platinum albums – but that's not going to stop her from getting arrested for beating someone up. Mindy McCready was arrested in Florida this weekend for battery and resisting arrest and has been bailed and ordered to return to court next month. Although the sheriff's department has chosen not to give out the details of Mindy McCready's arrest, we'd guess that Mindy McCready probably hit a cowboy after a moonshine-fuelled game of Horseshoes was interrupted by his CB radio blaring out choice quotes from the Smokey And The Bandit movies. We've pieced together this scenario because Mindy McCready is a country singer, and we're pretty sure that's all they do. Could be wrong, though.
There's an ever-growing school of thought which suggests that all wars could be swiftly brought to an end by helicoptering in a crack squadron of all-star country singers to any conflict zone. It'd work a treat – Billy Joe Shaver could shoot insurgents in the cheek while Hank Williams Jr could scare the womenfolk by trying to kiss them and then violently choking them. Meanwhile, weak-willed intelligence officers would be slowly broken by the sound of Kenny Chesney denying that he's gay for hours at a time while watching a video of Wynonna Judd's husband sexually assaulting a minor. God knows what role Mindy McCready would fill, though, since crack squadrons tend not to need many people who just cry and fall over a lot.
Mindy McCready has had something of a tough life, in that it resembles Lindsay Lohan's life more closely than you could possibly imagine. In her time Mindy McCready has been hooked on OxyContin like Lindsay Lohan and has been arrested for DUI like Lindsay Lohan. Mindy McCready and Lindsay Lohan even share a love of being a bit suicidey, too. Seriously, if Mindy McCready made a film about a scampish Volkswagen and Lindsay Lohan was beaten up and choked by her ex-boyfriend you'd think the pair of them were twins. However, as the Washington Post reports, Mindy McCready is like a version of Lindsay Lohan who possibly fights people a lot and gets arrested for it:
Country singer Mindy McCready has been charged with battery and resisting arrest in Florida, authorities said. McCready, 31, was arrested early Saturday morning and charged with the two misdemeanors, according to booking information. On Sunday, the Lee County Sheriff's Office declined to provide details of the incident that led to her arrest. McCready was released on $1,000 bail Saturday and is scheduled to appear in court Aug. 14.
Who really knows for sure what this battery arrest could actually be for? Until August 14 we're all going to be pretty much in the dark as to the exact nature of McCready's arrest, so all we can do is sit tight and wait. But Mindy McCready would be a fool if she didn't use the intervening time to maximise on this new angry, thuggish persona. If we were Mindy McCready we'd hit the road and perform a string of retooled hits that proved just how violently hardcore we were. You know, with songs like Maybe He'll Notice Her Now (Now That I've Stabbed A Screwdriver Through Her Septum), I've Got A Feeling (That I'm Going To Punch You In The Face You Wanker) and Breakin' It (With My Teeth Like A Fucking Maniac).
Stick around, we've got a million of these.
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