Not a minute goes by when someone doesn’t throw themselves out of a window and onto a concrete pavement because they just failed an audition to be in the next great boyband.
As they hurtle towards a very sudden, and very bloody, death, names of the greatest performers flash through their embittered and mutilated minds. Minds that have been destroyed by their lust for fame. Names like Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams, Jimmy Constable from 911, Jade from Damage, all the gay guys in Upside Down, Jason Orange. All the people they could have been. Damn it, all the people they SHOULD have been
But now they’re dead, splattered on people’s shoes. Destroyed.
To honour these poor withered souls, we decided to compile the GREATEST BOYBAND EVER. Wethinks it would look a little something like this.
Pavement-Boy, we hope you’re reading from Heaven.
Shane Lynch, Boyzone
Every single great boyband needs a heart throb, and they don’t come much more demure and sensual than Shane. During Boyzone’s peak, he was enormously famous for occasionally doing a twirl during songs, which looked a bit like a tramp trying to do ballet. And for the brief period where Ronan told the rest of them to get stuffed, Shane went out, got tatted up, and reinvented himself as some kind of soothsayer on Celebrity Love Island. Every band needs a journeyman, and Lynch is that.
Kian Egan, Westlife
Kian’s greatest strength is the subtlety of his voice – no one has ever knowingly heard him singing on a record. And yet, there he is, moving his mouth in time to the chorus. He must be singing. He just must be. He has a mop of blonde hair that will build the male following up to a trouser bursting tidal wave of glee. The band’s tease.
Sean Conlon, 5ive
Well, every boyband needs a frontman, and that man is Sean, who used to do the deep voice talking bits in 5ive songs. At the height of 5ivemania, when they literally couldn’t leave the house without enduring a groundswell of lusty teenagers tugging at their belts, Sean cleverly used better looking members of the band like Abs, Richie, Jay… and Scott as a shield. That way, he could quietly walk the streets, completely alone. When 5ive reunited a couple of years ago, Sean didn’t bother. We think.
John Hendy (East 17)
For those familiar with East 17′s If You Ever video featuring the one-eyed soul singer Gabrielle, John is the bald guy on the train, just sitting there, pretty much doing nothing. That was his real genius. His ability to look for all the world that he was completely useless. He makes the band, not because he’s good looking.
Howard Donald (Take That)
Now, completing the line up is Howard Donald, the young rastafarian from Take That. During their brief spell in the gutter, Howard didn’t throw the towel in, he traveled the country demanding that girls kiss him because he used to be in Take That. Good for him. Should Sean have an off day and the band needs someone to take over on lead vocals, Howard will be that man. Yes, he sounds a bit deaf when he’s singing. But was not Beethoven deaf?
If you want more outright excellence like this, you should take a peek at Josh’s wondrous blog Interestment. No, you must.