The first rule of Conan O’Brien is that he hates following people – so much so that he walked out of his dream job.

He’s a leader, not a follower. And that’s why, now that he’s decided to join Twitter, Conan O’Brien has steadfastly refused to follow a single one of his 230,000 followers. But he’s new, so he’ll learn the Twitter rules before long – first people follow you, then you follow them back, then you slowly transform into a sobbing alcoholic at the sheer boneheaded futility of reading the dreary, ambient, passing thoughts of thousands of people who you’re never even likely to meet.

Or maybe that’s just how it worked for us. Don’t forget, we’re @hecklerspray. God, we hate ourselves.

Remember long ago, when Conan O’Brien had just taken over as the new host of The Tonight Show? His big new feature was something called Twitter Tracker, where he’d mock the sort of lonely, vapid, approval-hungry micro-celebrities who use Twitter as nothing more than a crutch to prop up their battered egos. It was hilarious.

But times have changed since then. Forced out of The Tonight Show by an ingenious pincher movement masterminded by Jay Leno and Jay Leno’s chin, Conan O’Brien now finds himself without an audience for the first time in almost 20 years. As a result, he’s become the kind of lonely, vapid, approval-hungry micro-celebrity who’d use Twitter as nothing more than a crutch to prop up his battered ego. Which is a good thing, really, because Conan O’Brien is quite funny. Here’s Conan’s entire Twitter output so far:

“Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.”

Of course, Conan O’Brien is no fool. Given the vast internet-based groundswell of support he received as he was being made to walk the Tonight Show plank, it would make sense for him to communicate directly with them the only way he knows how – via the medium of annoying short, ephemeral statements about either nothing or desperate self-promotion. Plus, if Conan O’Brien can gain close to quarter of a million followers in little over 14 hours, then his grassroots support will come in useful as a handy springboard when he decides to get himself a new show.

But Conan O’Brien will only keep his Twitter followers if he masters the art of celebrity tweeting. Occasionally making wity remarks will get him followers, but they won’t stay unless he starts to use Twitter as a tool to show exactly how deluded and out of touch with the real world he actually is. That’s what makes someone a great celebrity Twitterer. All Conan needs to do is follow these examples and he’ll conquer the world…

“I truly believe this film should be nominated in every category conceivable” – Elizabeth Taylor on Michael Jackson’s This Is It

“wow i WANT you guys to get the film PAPARAZZI directed by Mel Gibson cause what the lead guy goes through is exactly what i go through” – Katie Price

“Nip/Tuck is wicked. Desperates has gone corny” – 52-year-old hip-hop DJ Tim Westwood

See, Conan? Watch and learn from the masters.

Now, inevitably, here’s a request for you to follow hecklerspray on Twitter