Experts have determined that there's only one thing more annoying than Chris Martin from Coldplay, and that's Chris Martin from Coldplay dancing the flamenco in a giant sombrero while bibbling about on a zambomba.
And guess what – that's exactly what Chris Martin from Coldplay plans to do in the horrifyingly near future. Despite making his usual promises that Coldplay would split up after X&Y was released, it seems that Coldplay have been secretly putting a new album together; and according to Chris Martin the new album is going to be 'Hispanic'. But the bad news – that Coldplay are probably going to start releasing songs called things like Bullfighting? Ole! and Vieja Prostitute Melenuda (Of My Heart) – is balanced out by two pieces of good news: 1) By the sound of things, even Coldplay don't like their Hispanic new direction and 2) the Coldplay Hispanic album isn't released until next year, so you've still got plenty of time to hide.
It's been a while since Coldplay went into hibernation after X&Y became the world's biggest-selling album of 2005, but the downtime has been good to the band. Without a new album to promote, the band have been able to get back to being normal people again, doing unshowy, non-rockstar things like naming their children after biblical figures and calling in horn-wielding Kabbalah rabbis to exorcise their houses. But two years of living with moany old Gwyneth Paltrow has done Chris Martin's head in to such an extent that he's reconvened Coldplay to record a new album that will regain their 'new Beatles' crown.
Only they've reconvened in Spain. And the album apparently now sounds 'Hispanic'. Dear God. BBC News reports:
British rock group Coldplay have revealed that their new album will have an "Hispanic theme". A handwritten message on their website says that recording sessions in Spain, and a tour of Latin America earlier this year, have influenced their sound. "No maracas or castanets," the message said, "but a vibrancy and colourfulness that owes much to the atmosphere of Buenos Aires and Barcelona"… The author, who uses the alias Prospekt, continued to say that the group had recently sat down with producer Brian Eno to review their progress. "Very little material got an unreserved thumbs up from everyone. However, far from feeling dispirited, we all came out feeling a lot more confident."
Of course, it goes without saying that the pressure on Coldplay to produce a world-beating album must be incredible. Not only would a mega-smash comeback stop the whispers of Coldplay splitting up, but it'd also stop Coldplay themselves thinking they're rubbish. Plus Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn't be the most famous singer in her marriage either which, to be honest, we'd be somewhat grateful for.
But a Hispanic Coldplay album? Really? Hispanic music is all about fire and passion and warmth and drama. Coldplay sing songs about clocks and scientists. Unless we're wrong here, this sounds an awful lot like it's going to be 2-0 to the Crazy Frog here.
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kippertron says
hairy old prostitute of my heart?!?!
Gilbert Wham says
Awwww, you say the sweetest things.