Quickly – try to think of something more boring than a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay.

You can’t, can you? That’s because legal disputes between Joe Satriani and Coldplay are the most boring things ever created. If you look up ‘boring’ in the dictionary, you won’t see a picture of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay, because when the author thought about drawing an illustration of a legal dispute between Joe Satriani and Coldplay he became so overwhelmed with boredom that he shot himself.

Anyway, Coldplay have denied stealing a Joe Satriani song. That was our point.

If you own Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends by Coldplay and the 2004 Joe Satriani album Is There Love In Space?, then you… no, actually, wait a minute. What sort of sick bastard owns both Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends by Coldplay and Is There Love In Space? by Joe Satriani? Do you own both of those albums? Do you? Do you? You do? God, you’re disgusting. What went so wrong in your childhood that made you think that owning an album by Coldplay and Joe Satriani was an acceptable thing to do? Get out. Get out now before we vomit. Oh too late, we’ve already vomited. Now we’re covered in vomit and it’s all your fault. Happy now? Are you happy now?

Anyway, to return to our original point, if you own the Coldplay album and the Joe Satriani album, then you might have noticed a disturbing similarity between Coldplay’s song Viva La Vida and Joe Satriani’s song If I Could Fly. Joe Satriani certainly did, which is why he sued Coldplay for plagiarism at the arse-end of last year.

Now, admittedly Joe Satriani might be the only one who noticed this due to the fact that If I Could Fly sounds like the sort of music you’d be able to buy at a sodding garden centre, but he noticed nevertheless. Not that Coldplay are having any of it – they’ve denied the whole thing in court. The Guardian reports:

According to documents submitted this week by Coldplay’s legal team, any similarities between the artists’ work is not enough to warrant damages. Furthermore, Coldplay’s lawyers allege that Satriani’s song “lacks originality” and should not receive copyright protection… Coldplay have so far resisted paying Satriani. “If there are any similarities between our two pieces of music,” they said in an earlier statement, “they are entirely coincidental and just as surprising to us as to him.”

You can see why Coldplay are so determined not to acknowledge any similarity between their song and Joe Satriani’s – Chris Martin already has enough of a credibility problem what with his boring songs and the way he looks like a drunk horse in a fire-damaged afro. Admitting that he habitually listens to Joe Satriani – who scientists recently discovered was the opposite of music – would finish him off for good.

In the end, though… no, we can’t do it. We tried, but we really can’t care about any of this. Someone wake us up when it’s over.

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