Cloverfield 2: Coming Soon, Unless It Isn’t

As movie law states, a successful shaky-camera film should always be followed by a non-shaky film that everybody hates.

It happened with The Blair With Project, and now it’s probably going to be happening with Cloverfield too, so long as the director can get his act together. Almost a year after it was greenlit, Cloverfield director Matt Reeves still hasn’t made is mind up about what to do with Cloverfield 2.

Don’t get him wrong, he has ideas about Cloverfield 2, he just doesn’t know where to set it. Or who’ll star in it. Or when it’ll take place. Or what’ll happen in it. Or if he’ll direct it or not. But, seriously, once Matt Reeves has those details down, Cloverfield 2 is going to be excellent. Or rubbish. Or somewhere between those two.

We don’t know about you, but we’re really excited about the prospect of Cloverfield 2 - especially if it’s about the same monster attack, but compiled from sources that weren’t seen in the orginal movie. That way we’ll get to see the effects of a giant squid rampaging through New York from the perspective of people who aren’t insufferably smug cocknozzles, and that would be quite nice.

But, although that’s what was discussed when Cloverfield 2 was first mooted, it might not be what’ll happen in the movie. And that’s because nobody seems to have the first clue about what Cloverfield 2 will even be about. Not even Cloverfield director Matt Reeves.

And this isn’t some hokey Christopher Nolan manouvre to stall the inevitable and hold out for more money for the sequel - Matt Reeves genuinely doesn’t seem to have a clue what he’s going to do with Cloverfield 2. MTV reports:

Reeves says that talks have been frequent if sporadic over the last nine months. “At times it’s gone dormant and then its come back up again,” Reeves says of the brainstorming over a sequel. “There are a couple ideas that have potential but we haven’t quite cracked it yet… When we were in Japan we thought, wouldn’t it be cool to do it here,” he said.

So Cloverfield 2 might be set in Japan, might be set at the same time as the original movie and might be directed by someone other than Matt Reeves, but might not be. You know what? We’re worried that Cloverfield 2 is never going to happen because everyone involved is too busy sitting around with their thumb up their arse. So, to hurry things along here, we’ve drawn up a list of potential Cloverfield 2 plots, which Matt Reeves can use completely free of charge:

1 - Cloverfield 2 is set in a military base at the time of the attacks, and consists of nothing but a cigar-chomping US general’s face getting redder and redder for two hours.

2 - Set Cloverfield 2 at the same time as the original, but on the set of a porn film at the top of a skyscraper. That way you have perspective across the city, a means to film the attack, and boobies.

3 - Hire Matthew Broderick to play a reporter in Cloverfield 2. That way you can just film a couple of minutes of footage and edit it Godzilla and hope nobody notices.

4 - Cloverfield 2 is set at the same time as the original attack, but thousands of miles away at a dinner party in Surrey where everyone is completely oblivious to it because they’re all having awkward, slightly drunk conversations with each other.

5 - Set Cloverfield 2 after the monster has been killed, so we can see the parents of Rob and Hud agree that they’re pleased their sons died because they were both douchey hipster wankers.

6 - Cloverfield 2 is actually a prequel where we learn that monster attacked New York because earlier that morning it had a fight with its girlfriend because she used all the hot water in the shower again.

7 - Anything. Cloverfield 2 can be about anything. Just, please, stop shaking the sodding camera around so much. We really don’t want to go home from the cinema wiping someone else’s vomit from the back of our heads again.

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