“When Smokey sings,” sang ABC a decade ago “I hear violins” – but to the youth of today, when Cliff Richard sings they hear the sound of a giant deafening car alarm exploding into an overcrowded orphanage built of metal and endangered animals.

The music of Cliff Richard is literally the worst thing that today’s young can possibly hear. That’s not so good if you’re a young person – or Cliff Richard, come to think of it – but if you’re a travelling funfair plagued by swarms of marauding hoodies, a quick burst of any Cliff Richard record is just the thing you need to send them scurrying back to their Vauxhall Novas in floods of tears, as 1950s travelling show Carters Steam Fair victoriously discovered recently. It sounds like a win for Carters Steam Fair but – looking objectively – now they don’t have as many paying customers plus they have to listen to sodding Cliff Richard music all day. Way to go, carnies.