Chubby and Delusional, Kirstie Alley is Intent on Destroying Hollywood

Kirstie Alley and John TravoltaOn the promotional circuit for her new memoir “The Art of Men,” obnoxious and delusional actress, Kirstie Alley, is revealing information that no one believes, nor really cares about. The most riveting revelations include her alleged (and probably imaginary) love affairs with Hollywood heart-throbs John Travolta and Patrick Swayze … one of whom is gay and the other one dead.

The 61-year-old actress and Dancing With The Stars All-Star claims that she fell in love with John Travolta while they were shooting the seminal film “Look Who’s Talking” in 1989. In addition to their undeniable sexual chemistry, they shared an irresistible psychosis over Scientology. Also, Kirstie was not yet fat.

She was married however … so not wanting to desecrate her marriage vows … she and John valiantly fought against their lust. (Apparently she was not aware of the loophole in the marriage contract wherein it’s not cheating if the other man is super-gay.)

Next, and with no qualms about throwing the heart of a widow under a bus for her own book sales, Kirstie claims that Patrick Swayze considered leaving his wife for her. The two met in 1985 when filming the mini-series “North and South” and …while their love was never consummated (again, those fucking marriage vows) … they were meant to be.

Patricks’s wife and Jennifer Grey can both go straight to hell. Somehow though, Patrick resisted Kirstie’s fat ass and died in 2009 as a happily married man. Kirstie claims that she is not sure if his wife ever knew about their alleged emotional affair, but now she sure does! Surprise!

What about Ted Danson, I wonder? Was she not interested in breaking up his marriage to the lovely Mary Steenburgen? Or maybe Proud Mary has threatened her. I love that idea. Emaciated but lovely Mary Steenburgen, her career briefly resurrected on 30 Rock, blackmailing Kirstie with some piece of dirt. Possibly Scientology-related. Possibly fat ass-related.

To further heighten the shock value, Kirstie quite happily set the record straight (ha ha) about John Travolta’s sexuality, stating: “I know John with all my heart and soul … He’s not gay.” Having obtained Scientology’s Operating Thetan Level 7 as long ago as 2007, and given the obvious integrity of her other revelations, it sure is hard to argue with that.

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