Christina Ricci Says Boring Robert Pattinson Is A Good Kisser When He Gets Nude

Fans of Robert Pattinson need no encouragement when it comes to sighing wistfully about ol’ mono-chops. They certainly don’t need anyone to provoke them into furious bouts of masturbation either. So the news that Pattinson is a good kisser will invariably see tweens all over the world sticking their hands down their knicker-fronts faster than a rat down a drainpipe.

And who says he’s a good kisser? Someone who decided to plant their lips on him just to stave off the agonising boredom of having to try and strike up a conversation with him?

No silly! It’s ‘Bel Ami’ co-star Christina Ricci who loads of people fancy!

Talking to no-mark TV chef talkshow (Oh America! You are a silly country! A talkshow chef? What next? A makeover show presented by the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket?) called Rachael Ray, Ricci said:

“He’s a good kisser. He’s a lovely human being also.”

Aw! Perhaps we’ve been too harsh in assuming that Pattinson is boring like an awkward teenager who can’t process emotions properly yet.

But wait! Ricci isn’t done yet…

“He reminded me of my best friend’s little brothers growing up.”

The awkward, staring type of little brother who you could easily mistake for a hat-stand, leaving him in the corner covered in coats and wondering where he got to, ’til you hear a meek clearing of the throat from beneath the jackets.

In this new film, there’s a whole host of women who were clearly bored to the point of Prozac when dealing with Patz, that they felt obliged to kiss him just to see if he was still breathing.

As well as Ricci’s character, Pattinson puts the lips on Uma Thurman and Kristin Scott Thomas. Feel free to add these names to your jealousy-list of ‘Bitches I Hope Die And Rot In Hell’.

Still, worry not screaming fans. This new film sees our Rob getting nudey nude.

He says, in a monotone voice that sounds like a slow moving lorry pulling out of a service station:

“I think there’s a lot of my crack in it. I think there’s quite a bit of nudity. It was such a strange story. I think it will turn out to be very interesting, but I have no idea about any of it yet.”

Interesting? There’s a word you don’t associate with Robert Pattinson. We can only hope that his bum crack has an ounce of charisma.

And no, that’s not a euphemism for ‘tagnut’.

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Comments

  1. Mandy says

    Hmmm…though I love your snarky wit, I must say that I believe Rob’s bum crack will have more personality than your article did. Jealous much?

  2. T-Cake says

    First, it’s obvious the last comment was made by a mad person. Secondly, I’d hate to imagine Christina Ricci kissing a naked, half-dead Pattinson.

  3. emmah says

    O please, give the lad a break. He is basically shy, for gods sake. Although beautiful beyond belief we are led to believe he is a nice chap too. There’s more to life than looks and he is only young after all. I remember the Depp being a bit mono too, didn’t do him any harm.

  4. Dude! says

    I usually love your snark but your last few Rob articles haven’t been very witty. They used to be laugh out loud hilarious but now it’s just dull bordering on dumb. Put some zest and wit back in it man.