Christina Applegate – you know her don’t you? Okay, if you’re of a certain age then you may have fumbled around in your trousers at her whilst she was playing Kelly Bundy in Married… With Children. Or you might know her from Anchorman. Or, more recently, you’ll have heard she’d got breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy, which is really, really horrible.

Well, you may be pleased/bored to find out that she’s got a baby growing inside her. Who put it there? Early reports suggested that it was a stork that did it, but it transpires that the actress was impregnated by her fiance who is a musician with a fancy name – Martyn Lenoble.

So what now?

First, the mushy stuff. Applegate and Lenoble got engaged on Valentine’s Day after two years of going with each other. No date has been set for the wedding, but you shouldn’t care about that because you’re not invited. Neither are we and we’re predictably furious.

Now, some of you may be wondering who the shitting crikey this Lenoble bloke is. Well, he was in a band called Porno for Pyros in the ’90s who had one good single called ‘Pets’. He’s been credited with helping Applegate overcome her battle with breast cancer, which is all incredibly lovely.

“I have a small but mighty support system and Martyn has really been an incredible part of my life,” Applegate previously told UsMagazine.com. “Without him, I don’t know if I could’ve gone through any of it. He came around at a time when there was a lot of loss in my life on many levels, so he’s been a really incredible help.”

Regular readers of Hecklerspray will no doubt be wondering where the bile is going to come from. We can’t, of course, make jokes about Christina Applegate because, well, that would be a step too far even for us.

What we can do is slag off all new-parents who are, without doubt, the most irritating group of humans ever to grace a planet.

We can only imagine the sickening pride of Applegate as she, like every other newly-spawned, inundates everyone she knows with an endless stream of identical pictures of her child with spaghetti hoops on its face and cooing at the various stages of hair-growth.

That said, seeing as she hates the paparazzi so much, she might not trouble us with each puke and shit her child does and with that, we have to salute her.

Anyway, hurray for working ovaries and that!

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