Christina Aguilera Has Infuriatingly Loud Sex

Christina Aguilera Sex noises loud neighboursChristina Aguilera might be beautiful no matter what they say, but that doesn't give her the right to splash around her pool making sex noises like a mortally wounded buffalo.

Because that's what she does you know. Christina Aguilera's neighbour said so.

Apparently Christina Aguilera and her husband enjoy nothing more than frolicking around naked in their pool, screaming and swearing and 'making sexy noises' much to the annoyance of the elderly people they live near. Nobody seems sure exactly what these sexy noises of Christina Aguilera's are, but we're willing to bet they don't involve her singing anything because, face it, that's about as sexy as listening to a walrus being kicked to death by an alcoholic.

We're no experts, but we always assumed that the life of a new mother involved zero sleep, less than zero libido, a simmering resentment for the child and father who've helped to ruin your life forever, outright jealousy at childless couples because they can go out and look nice and not have to deal with a screaming little fleshbag that does nothing but cry, put its weird little mouth all over your nipples and splutter oddly-coloured shit all over your favourite blouses the second you take their nappy off.

Turns out we were wrong, though – judging by Christina Aguilera, having a baby sounds like a blast.

Christina Aguilera's son Max The Lion was only born in January, but that apparently hasn't stopped Christina and her husband Bratman from twatting around in the garden of their mansion naked making a range of noises that all sound like Maria Sharapova putting her hand in an industrial mincer. According to Star:

The new parents are so determined to keep their two-year marriage red-hot that they've taken to skinny-dipping by moonlight. The couple, who welcomed son Max into the family on Jan. 12, can be heard loudly frolicking in the pool of their $11.5 million Beverly Hills mansion around midnight. "They don't just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises," says a source. "We're happy that they're happy, but we wish they'd keep it down a bit. There are a lot of old people who live around here, and they don't like noise after the dinner hour."

We have to agree here, Christina Aguilera tearing around naked making deafening sex noises is fine, but after the dinner hour? That's just beyond the pale, it really is.

Of course, you could argue that Christina Aguilera is just doing her best to keep her marriage alive during a time when the physical side of relationship traditionally sags a little, but won't someone please think of the baby here?

Everyone already thinks that Christina Aguilera's baby is a pointless little wanker – your words, not ours – as it is. Fast forward a couple of years to when baby Max starts school and he's going to be known as the kid with the naked mother who bellows sex noises at midnight as well. And that's a horrific burden for a kid to carry at school. But you probably knew that from experience already.

Yes, you.

Read more: 

Christina Aguilera's Sexy Skinny-Dipping Sessions – Star 


  1. The Dread Pirate Sausage! says

    Anyone eating at “the dinner hour” is probably not having sex in any event, which would make the sound of people with joyously active organs quite frustrated.

    My heart goes out to the neighbours.